Rules, Accountability & Change

Sometimes the rules, the guidelines, the expectations Michael has of me or for me involve having to do something.  But other times they involve not doing something or perhaps there’s a limit imposed.  I’m not sure which is harder.  There are two newish (not to be confused with Jewish, lol) rules that I’m having some trouble with.  One is an expectation of me doing something and the other is a limit placed on something that I do.  The two things kind of go hand in hand. If I’m doing less of the one thing then I should be filling that void with more of the other thing.  In actuality, neither thing should be a big deal.  These newish guidelines aren’t unreasonable.  But, it’s a case of breaking a bad habit (doing too much of something) and replacing it with a new habit (doing more of another thing).  And let me tell you, just in case you don’t already know for yourself, old habits are hard to break and new habits are hard to make.  I’d like to tell you that I’m all in, trying my best, but the fact of the matter is, my heart isn’t really in it yet and it shows.  Michael isn’t being unreasonable, in fact, he’s looking out for me and helping me in an area I admittedly need improvement in.  That doesn’t make it easy though.

The subject of accountability has been batted around lately, it’s something Michael and I have discussed a few times now, here and there.  I wonder if we’re going to be taking a few more steps forward in our journey soon, if he’s going to be ramping things up a bit, and that makes me nervous.  He’s started to ask about certain things, checking up on me.  I get the sense that maybe he’s ready to take a more active role.  I’m not sure how I feel about that.  On the one hand, I think it will really help me in some areas I’ve been struggling in.  On the other hand, I realize this means that I won’t be able to slip under the radar so easily anymore in regard to these things.  Hmmm, it certainly has its pros and cons, doesn’t it? 

I’ve never really been a person who’s afraid of change.  Or perhaps I should say that I’ve never really been a person who’s let whatever fear I may have surrounding it stop me from moving forward, or sometimes perhaps sideways or even backwards, when things didn’t quite pan out the way I’d hoped.  In some ways it seems like Michael and I have been in a constant state of change ever since we started to incorporate DD into our relationship last fall.  It seems like just as I start to get comfortable, it’s time to move forward again.  That’s not a bad thing; actually, it’s a good thing.  But, I must say, it does keep me on my toes.  I imagine Michael probably feels the same way.  It seems like we’re often at different stages of growth.  Sometimes I might be a bit impatient for him to catch up or I might even be pushing him along a little encouraging him to take a few steps ahead.  Other times I feel like I’ve been left in a cloud of dust and then I feel his hand grab mine, pulling me along, so that I can walk beside him again.  This journey has been an interesting one thus far and encompasses so much more than I ever imagined.  It’s quite exciting actually, if also nerve wracking and unsettling at times.

For those of you who read my last couple of posts, you may be surprised to see me posting again so soon.  Well, I decided to give myself a kick in the pants and just jump back in.  Regardless of things going on in my life and my struggle with some insecurity, writing helps me to process things, it helps me work through my feelings.  And sharing it with Michael helps him be aware of where I’m at, it helps him understand me a bit more, where I’m coming from, and many times it’s started a dialogue between the two of us.  Sharing it on my blog hopefully helps others in some way (even if it’s just that they can feel better about themselves in comparison) and it also helps me because of the connection with others, the encouragement, support, wisdom and guidance.  So anyway, here I am, just me being me, take it or leave it.  ; )


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