Contemplation


I’ve been feeling pretty vulnerable lately and more than a little insecure.  As such, I’ve contemplated closing down my blog or at least abandoning it for awhile.

You see, I’ve shared a couple of posts with a good friend of mine, emailing them to her.  They were posts about the dynamic, they didn’t speak to the discipline aspect.  A few comments here and there have made me wonder if she’s searched my blog out and found it.  If she has, I have no one to blame but myself.  I did share the blog posts with her.  If you’re wondering, no, she and her husband do not have the same or similar dynamic in their relationship.  If she has found my blog I know she wouldn’t tell me because she wouldn’t want to take that anonymity away from me and make me feel exposed and self conscious.  But, I’m feeling a little that way anyway, wondering if she could be reading here.

Speaking of anonymity, we met up with another DD couple last month.  We had a great time, but it did sort of change things.  I mean, I sometimes write kind of graphic descriptions of what goes on between Michael and I and I would think that sort of thing would be kind of strange for them to read now and I’m not sure how I feel about it either.  I mean, if we meet up again and again and again and become good friends offline as well as being good friends online, well, that does change things a bit, doesn’t it?  I never thought about ever meeting up with anyone when I started this blog.  That wasn’t even on my radar.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sorry that we met up with them, that’s not what I’m saying.   I’m glad that we got together and I hope to do it again sometime.

I guess a part of me wonders what I’m doing here in blogland.  I started this blog to help me process things, to share with Michael, and to connect with others.  But I wonder if I’ve shared too much of myself, shared too much of my thoughts and experiences and desires.  And I wonder if that’s really a good thing.  I can be a very private person or I can be a very open person.  I tend to be black or white and not hide behind shades of grey.  But right now those shades of grey look kind of attractive.  I realize this is my blog.  I can share what I want, when I want, how I want.  There are things that I haven’t written about and shared here that I could have and I do leave some details out here and there when it’s not important to the overall picture. 

I don’t know, perhaps I need to just take a step back and reevaluate what I really want from this blog.  Actually, I don’t think that original goal has changed, or at least not all that much.  Perhaps things have just become muddled in my mind.  I’m not typically an insecure person, but this whole vulnerability thing is pretty new to me and I seem to be second guessing myself right now.  I’m the type of person who’s strong in my beliefs and how I feel about things, so I don’t have a problem standing up to questioning or criticism.  But when it comes to DD, well, I still question it myself sometimes and I question myself for wanting it, needing it.  There are a lot of questions I have that remain unanswered and I wonder if I’ll ever really have an answer for some of them.  I guess it’s just that we’re we’re still so new to all of this that I’m not confident yet, in myself or in regard to ttwd.  And I’m used to being a confident person.  I don’t like to feel uneasy about things.  Who does really?

I can imagine Michael telling me “chill mama” in that soothing voice of his after he reads this.  And I suppose he’d have a point.  I know that I overreact sometimes, that I have a tendency to worry too much, that I sometimes place more importance or emphasis on something than is really warranted.  I can also be hard on myself and when it comes right down to it, I do have a hard time trusting others.  I will still include them in my life, perhaps as a big part of my life even, but there is a part of me that sort of expects to be let down, expects to be disappointed.  I suppose that’s natural though, we all end up disappointing someone we care about at some point, it’s part and parcel of being human.  At any rate, I’m sure I’ve babbled on quite long enough.  I’m not closing down my blog or abandoning it.   Actually writing this all out has helped me feel a bit better about things, helped me see things a little more clearly.  If you’ve actually made it this far; thanks for reading, for bearing with me.  I’m so thankful for all the support and encouragement I’ve received from this community and I hope that I’ve given some of that back as well.

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