Consistency


If you’ve read many DD blogs I’m sure you’ve noticed that consistency or the lack of it is a topic that comes up frequently.  But, if you expect your husband to be consistent 100% of the time, you’re probably setting him up for failure and yourself up for disappointment, especially if you’re new to ttwd.  No one is perfect and the reality is that sometimes life just gets in the way.

Michael didn’t get home for the weekend until around lunch time on Saturday.  We were having friends over that evening for a dinner party and I’d been tidying up the house a bit and getting things ready.  Now, when I say getting things ready, I don’t mean that I was preparing food.  My husband is a wonderful cook and he loves it when he gets the chance to cook for others, which with his schedule isn’t all that often anymore.  I did make dessert, but the rest was all him, and let me just say, everything was delicious!

For whatever reason I’d been getting myself a bit worked up Saturday morning; anticipating Michael’s arrival and the weekend ahead.  Well, once he was home I ended up having a bit of an attitude and I was pushing his buttons.  It wasn’t some plan I had in place, at least not consciously anyway.  In retrospect, I did feel myself going there.  I should’ve said something, told him how I was feeling.  But, I didn’t.  Instead I tried to handle it myself, tried to get myself under control.  Obviously that didn’t go so well.  I ended up poking the bear which resulted in me being instructed to strip from the waist down and position myself bent over the corner of the bed.  Soon the wooden hairbrush was reddening my cheeks and I was gripping my pillow, trying to hold my position and trying to be quiet so the kids wouldn't overhear.  Now, I wish I could tell you that did the trick.  It certainly wasn't without impact, in more ways than one.  But, I seemed to need more.  In my mind I wasn't necessarily looking for more spanking, but more attention.  And I certainly got it…more attention and more spanking, this time with the bath brush.

In the past I’ve often wondered why I would get myself so wound up inside when Michael was coming home.  But, honestly, I think this time I know what was going on.  I knew it was going to be a busy weekend and I was wondering when or if there was going to be any time for us to connect.  And Michael has been stepping things up again lately, or at least it seems that way to me.  There’s been no discussion about it per se, but he’s been paying more attention and expecting more from me and I've had conflicting feelings about it.  He's pushing me to grow more, which is a good thing, but it's also hard sometimes and can be a bit nerve wracking as well.  Adding fuel to the fire, I’d also come across a new D/s blog the night before.  Let me clarify, the blog itself isn’t new, just new to me.  And reading through some of the posts had me dwelling on that aspect of our relationship, longing to be dominated.  So, between wondering if we’d get to connect at all, feeling hungry for some D/s play, and knowing that Michael was stepping things up a bit, well, I suppose the stage was set.

So what does any of that have to do with consistency?  I suppose nothing.  But, I’m getting back to that, I promise. 

Sunday started off with church, then home for lunch and to get a few things done before heading to a friend’s house for a Super Bowl party.  Funny, I almost typed *Supper* Bowl, which in a way would’ve been fitting, since there was a TON of food.  We had a great time and enjoyed good food, good company and a good game!  Way to go Giants!  Actually, I think both teams did really well.  The Giants aren’t my favorite NFL team, but I’d certainly pick them over the Patriots.  Sorry, Pats fans.

By the time we got home it was quite late.  We’d had a late night the night before and an early morning that morning, so we were tired.  We got the kids off to bed and Michael sat down at the computer to take care of a few things he hadn’t gotten to earlier.  I got ready for bed and settled in on the couch with a pillow and blanket and our two dogs.  When Michael joined me, I was pretty sleepy.  But, he wanted to wind down in front of the television a little before heading upstairs and so I snuggled into him and promptly fell asleep.  I think he fell asleep too actually.  I’m not sure what time it was when we got up, got the dogs settled, checked on the kids and fell into bed.  It was late, or actually, early, and we were both exhausted.  There was just no way that maintenance was going to happen at that point.  We were both headed back to dreamland before long.  As I was falling back to sleep I wondered how I felt about it, the fact that maintenance had fallen off the agenda.  I wasn’t sure, but I was tired and decided that I didn’t care enough about it at that point to give it much more thought.  There was a brief feeling of disappointment, but I’m not sure if it was really due to the lack of maintenance or just that the weekend was over. 

This morning I decided that I needed to sort out how I really felt about it.  On the one hand, there’s the whole consistency issue, or should I say, the inconsistency issue.  Maintenance does tend to occur at somewhat irregular intervals around here, though it’s supposed to be a staple on the menu.  A few times when it didn’t happen I ended up having a meltdown because of it.  This time however, I think I’m okay.  I mean, we did get to connect this weekend.  And though it wasn’t maintenance, there was spanking.  And our weekend was quite full.  I know that Michael didn’t fail to follow through on purpose or because he doesn’t think it’s important.  And when it comes to discipline he’s offered me grace (Wait, is that confusing, since I am Grace?  lol) on several occasions now.  He expects me to try my best and if I’ve done that and have failed anyway, the consequences aren’t automatic.  He decides what he thinks is best and considers what I really need from him at the time.  Sometimes that means discipline and other times that means a discussion and mercy.  He doesn’t expect me to be perfect, so why would I expect him to be? 

All that to say, that for once, a maintenance session has been missed and I’m not all out of sorts about it.  I’m not questioning my husband’s desire to include ttwd into our relationship or his commitment to it and I’m not questioning whether I should need ttwd or not.  How refreshing.  Perhaps I’m starting to feel more secure about the whole thing?  Am I learning to trust him more?  Am I learning to accept myself more?  Perhaps.

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