Consistency: Part 63

I’ve been seeing themes of vulnerability, distancing, and insecurity around blogland lately.  I can relate.  Saturday morning I was all out of sorts.  I was thinking that DD is childish.  I was feeling insecure and questioning.  Michael came home to a wife who was busily building walls and burying feelings.  Where did this insecure woman come from anyway?  I’m not sure.  I know how to be strong and confident as Miss Independent.  But, how do I hang onto that confidence and strength as a submissive wife?

When Michael doesn’t follow through, say with maintenance or discipline, I have the tendency to head into a tailspin.  At first, I may feel relieved.  But then I start to question his commitment to ttwd.  Did he forget about it?  Did he forget about me?  Does he really want to do this?  And that invariably leads to me question myself and I start to feel insecure.  Am I a burden?  Why do I want this?  It almost feels like a need more than a want sometimes, and why would that be?  Is there something wrong with me for needing this?  At some point he’ll start to notice that I’m out of sorts, but often by then I’m feeling emotionally fragile and hiding behind walls, distancing myself.  He’ll want to know what’s wrong, but often I’m intent on proving to myself and to him that I’m just fine, thank you very much.

This was the scenario last night.  We’d had a full weekend, a wonderful weekend actually…except for one little thing.  There was a bit of business left undone.  But it was late.  We were both tired.  I went up to bed first and just wanted to fall asleep.  Michael came up a little while after me, kissed me on the cheek and climbed into bed himself.  He thought I was asleep.  I suppose I led him to believe that by not responding to his kiss.  But I didn’t realize that he thought I was asleep and so when he didn’t ask me to come snuggle with him I started to get upset.  When he realized I was awake he did want me to come snuggle.  I lay alongside of him instead though, not really cuddling up.  I wanted more than anything at that point to just snuggle and fall asleep, but I was upset.  He’d given me a peck on the cheek and climbed into bed to go to sleep, without even asking me to come snuggle.  And there had been no mention of the spanking that he’d promised was coming, the one I’d been anticipating all weekend.  I started to wonder, to question, what he really wanted, what we were really doing with all of this.  When I just laid alongside him Michael knew there was something wrong and he started to question me.  And that’s when I started to feel guilty.  He’d helped me feel better the day before and we’d had a wonderful weekend overall.  So why was I all out of sorts again?  Was it really just because he hadn’t spanked me?  Really?  So what!  What was the big deal?  I shouldn’t need that anyway!  And now I was keeping him up when he needed to get some sleep.  How selfish and needy of me!

I was trying so hard to be fine.  I wanted so badly to just be okay.  I wanted those emotions to go away, to be able to relax and cuddle with my husband and fall asleep.  But, it wasn’t working.  For one thing, Michael was pretty insistent on knowing what was wrong.  And the more upset he got with me for not telling him, the more upset I got with myself and the guiltier I felt about the whole thing.  At one point I was begging him to please just let me come and really snuggle with him.  I promised I would settle down so that we could both just go to sleep.  I was pretty out of control by that time really, crying my eyes out and feeling like a pathetic excuse for a human being.  What does he think of me when I get like this I wonder?  I don’t know and maybe it’s better that way.  Honestly, it’s hard to even write about.

Michael seemed undecided regarding how he should proceed.  He was trying to get me to calm down.  I think he wanted to be persuaded that I really would be okay and that we should just go to sleep.  But, he was clearly questioning that.  He tried to talk to me, but I was in no shape for talking, not rationally anyway.  Finally, after a lot of tears I decided that I’d had enough of the whole situation.  I was sick of being so emotional and I was annoyed with his indecisiveness.  I just wanted to move on.  I needed to move on.  And so I told him that I really didn’t care what he did, if he was going to spank me, get on with it, if not, I wanted to just go to sleep.  It was kind of a, hello, the ball is in your court buddy, moment.  I know that he was just trying to figure out what the best course of action was, but at that point, I just needed him to step up and take control of the situation, of me.  And he did.

He told me to get up and stand by my nightstand.  At first I stood by my dresser.  It took me a minute to realize that wasn’t where he’d told me to stand.  My thinking was a bit muddled I guess.  I was emotionally drained.  He took a moment to get things ready and then he came over and undressed me.  Without thinking I crossed my arms over my chest, but in a low, calm voice he said “No.  Remember, you’re not allowed to cover yourself in front of me.”  I could feel his strength, the self-assuredness in his voice, and I lowered my arms, revealing myself to him.  He had me lie on the bed and he spanked me, rather soundly.  I can still feel the remnants as I sit here typing.  He talked to me, telling me why I was being spanked, apologizing for not following through earlier, and telling me that I needed to stop questioning his commitment to ttwd and stop questioning my desire, my need, for it. 

When he was through he had me stand in the corner for a couple of minutes.  Then he made the transition from DD to D/s.  He made it very clear that he was the one in control.  He left no room for doubt that I am his, all of me, every square inch, from the top of my head to the tip of my toes.   Any illusion of control I might have had was gone.  Kneeling on the floor; my hands behind my back, his hands pulling and twisting my nipples, using my mouth for his pleasure.  Bent over the bed, my legs spread wide, his finger and then fingers stretching my anus, getting it ready for the butt plug, the Senior.  Laying on my back, being folded in half, entering me and building his rhythm, every stroke inward pressing against both the Senior and my tender bottom.   Riding those waves, one and then the next, and then crashing onto the shore together.  Laying in bed together, entwined, nothing between us, open, vulnerable and at peace.

What is it about being submissive, about being dominated, of feeling, dare I say, owned, that leaves me feeling so wonderful, so centered, so content, as if all is right in the world or at least in my world?  That feeling of giving up control, of being his completely, well, there’s really nothing quite like it.  Obviously for us, DD and D/s seem to go hand in hand.  I guess that shouldn’t surprise me, we dabbled in D/s long before we’d ever even heard of DD.  But for some reason I didn’t anticipate just how much starting DD would bring out the D/s side of things.  I suppose that’s why I like the term ttwd, because it really is this thing *we* do.  It’s individual, customizable to each couple.  We’re making it our own, figuring out and incorporating whatever works for us.  I wonder if I’ll get to the point where I’ll stop questioning.  I mean, if it’s working for us then what else really matters?

By the way, if you’re wondering about the title of this post, I was having trouble coming up with something.  So, I emailed the post to Michael and asked him if he had any ideas.  Consistency: Part 63 was his suggestion.  Personally, I think he’s being too hard on himself.  But I know he was also kind of laughing at himself a bit too and I couldn't help but giggle when I read it.  We decided to make a deal.  I’m going to work on accepting that my feelings are valid and a part of who I am and that there’s nothing wrong with that.  And he’s going to work on being more consistent.  Wish us luck!

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