I had a bit of a meltdown Sunday evening. A bit? No, that’s not really an accurate representation of what happened. You know that saying, go big or go home? I had that one covered. Well, I went big, but I already was home. Truthfully, this had been brewing for awhile, bubbling up, getting hotter and hotter under the surface, until things just reached the boiling point and then there was just no going back.
You see, Saturday I got upset about something. I had a decision to make and I wasn’t sure what to do. Michael was working, so I called him, but I ended up even more upset after we talked. Honestly, I don’t know if it was what he said and/or how he said it or if it had more to do with how I received it. I imagine it was a mixture of both. The thing that I was upset about, trying to make a decision about, really wasn’t a big deal. In spite of that fact, I was in turmoil. In fact, I collapsed on the bed in tears after getting off the phone with him. I knew that I shouldn’t be so upset, but I certainly was, and I didn’t really know why. Shortly after that I ended up chatting with a friend online. She helped me calm down a bit, made me laugh even. After a little while I decided to call Michael again, to apologize for hanging up on him. Oh, did I not mention that tidbit; that I had hung up on him? Yeah. Well. I had. So, I wanted to apologize and try to talk with him about things again. Unfortunately the conversation didn’t go so well and I moved from upset to just plain angry by the time we got off the phone.
It didn’t take me long to make the decision myself and follow through with the actions to back it up. I emailed Michael to fill him in and decided that was the last communication I was having with him until he got home that night. Then I decided that I was going to enjoy the rest of the day with my kids…ok, our kids…but right then, in my mind, they were MY kids. (my decision, my actions, my kids…you see where this is going right?) I wanted, needed, to get out of the house, but it was really cold out, so that limited my options. I was supposed to go grocery shopping and run some other errands, but I knew that wasn’t going to make me feel better. So, I checked the movie theater schedule. There were two movies that I thought both the kids and I would enjoy, so I let them decide which to see and off we went.
On our way Michael called twice. Both times I let him go to voicemail. He left me a message asking me to call him as soon as I could. Then he sent me a text asking me to call. *sigh* Apparently he wasn’t aware that I wasn’t speaking to him. Hadn’t I used the word incommunicado in my email? Yeah, I was pretty sure I had. Once we got to the theater I sent him a text, letting him know that I had no intention of calling him and that the kids and I were going to see a movie. His text back was simply “Oh.” He sounded disappointed and I felt a pang of guilt, but I pushed it aside and sent him another text, this one saying that I’d decided I was going to enjoy my day with my kids and that if he had a problem with that he’d just have to get over it. Then the kids and I headed into the theater to enjoy the movie. Oh yes, we bought popcorn and candy and soda, the whole works. Mommy was going all out.
Every so often I thought about Michael, that he probably would’ve enjoyed seeing the movie with us…and how I’d treated him. But, I managed to push that all down enough to enjoy the movie and relax and smile and even laugh for a little bit. Afterward, we decided to come home, have some dinner, and prepare to settle in for the night to watch the football game. Michael wasn’t home yet when we arrived and I decided I wasn’t going to worry about it, about him, about how things would go later, how things would be between us.
Once Michael arrived home there were a few looks exchanged, some noticeable tension, but words weren’t exchanged and I tried to play the whole thing off. In truth, my emotions were a jumbled mess inside of me by this point, and I’d realized that what I was really upset about was a lot bigger than the issue I’d tackled earlier that day. That had merely been the trigger. But, I shoved those thoughts, my feelings, into a back room and padlocked the door. Michael and I and the kids enjoyed snacks and drinks and snuggled together as we watched our team’s rapid demise. At the end of the third quarter we sent the kids off to bed, they were tired and there was no way for our team to make a comeback at that point. Even if there had been a turn around it would’ve been too little too late. With the kids off to bed Michael and I were left sitting on the couch together watching the rest of the game. I felt a bit uneasy. I guess the kids had been a buffer. And though I was still cheering my team on, hoping that they’d at least redeem themselves a little bit, the game certainly wasn’t captivating by then.
Once the game was over (better luck next year), Michael and I decided to go to bed. He wanted me to come snuggle up to him and I wanted to, I really did, but I just couldn’t. There was too much between us, strong emotions, unresolved issues, etc. After a bit of a standoff we talked, just a little. We were both tired, exhausted really, and not up for really tackling things at that point. I apologized for how I’d treated him and he said that he appreciated the apology. Then he told me that he understood that I’d been upset, but that my behavior had been unacceptable. I acknowledged that he was right and felt a few tears trickling down my cheeks, a small crack in the dam. He pulled me close and held me and it didn’t take long for either of us to fall asleep.
This is only the first part of the story, the setting of the stage really. I’ll share the rest tomorrow, I promise…pinky swear even.