Processing

Ever since Sunday night I’ve felt different.  It’s like I’ve been in a different head space or something.  I didn’t really analyze it, but was aware of it and wondered about it.  It wasn’t anything I wanted to examine too closely though.  I felt a bit as if I wanted to imitate an ostrich and stick my head in the sand actually.

Sunday night felt like a big step to me.  And I think, after having had some time and a bit of space, I now know why.  I think it’s because, in my mind, it solidified Michael’s commitment to ttwd.  It’s not that I thought this was a game before or that he didn’t really take it seriously.  However, I think a part of me expected him to throw in the towel at some point.  I imagine that’s because of past experiences coupled with more recent ones regarding things like follow through and consistency.  But, I honestly don’t think he would’ve been willing to take things to the next level, as he clearly did Sunday night, if he wasn’t fully committed.  I just don’t think he would’ve gone there.  This knowledge, combined with the fact that he was willing to take time off to be by my side and support me on Monday, has led me to feel, well, different. 

I now know that he’s willing to do what needs to be done, even if in the moment it’s not pleasant for either of us.  And I know that he’ll be there for me when I need him, that I can rely on him, depend on him, lean on him.  I feel more secure, more loved, more cherished, more protected, more cared for, etc.  I’ve been calmer, quieter…softer somehow.  It feels like my demeanor has changed.  I think that perhaps, just maybe, this is because my walls are down.  It’s actually kind of a strange feeling, but a good one…or at least not a bad one.  I feel…content.  Yes…more than anything, I just feel…content.

I’ve actually been kind of glad for some time and space from Michael this week.  Oh, that’s not to say that we haven’t communicated.  We’ve emailed and sent texts and talked every day.  However, I think I needed that time, that space apart, to process things.  

I honestly can’t remember the last time I felt like this…or if I ever have before.  It feels so different, and a bit strange yet, but not in a bad way, no, decidedly not in a bad way.  I think it’s a good thing actually, but I have to admit that I’m still not entirely sure what to make of it.

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