Processing Changes

In the past few weeks there have been some changes.  There’s a scheduling change, a rule change and some changes in how Michael is handling certain things.  He’s stepping up and I feel like I’m playing catch up.

First, maintenance was changed from once a day when Michael is home, to once per time period that he’s home.  So, whether he’s home for just one day or for a long weekend, maintenance will occur once at some point during that time.

Also, the rule about me pleasuring myself has changed.  Previously, I wasn’t allowed to pleasure myself if he was home or if he was coming home later that day.  I could ask for permission, but if it wasn’t granted then I wasn’t allowed.  Michael has decided to lift that restriction.  I think because it hasn’t really been a problem anyway.  But now anytime I pleasure myself I’m to tell him afterward.

Yesterday was an interesting day.  The kids and I have been battling this virus for weeks now.  So have many people in our area.  You start off feeling miserable, start to feel better, feel worse again and decide to go to the Dr's, then you take your prescription and start to feel better only to end up feeling worse again at some point.  It’s frustrating.  They say it’s not the flu, but it’s a nasty virus and everyone that I’ve talked to who’s had it or has it says that it just hangs on and is very hard to get rid of.  Anyway, I tell you this because we ended up taking our daughter to urgent care Sunday night.  Her cough was getting worse and worse and I was getting pretty worried about her.  Unfortunately we were unable to pick up her meds afterward and so someone needed to go get them yesterday.  I decided Michael should go, mostly because I just didn’t want to and because I’m always the one running such errands.  Yes, I know, I’m the one running them usually because I’m home and he’s working.  Anyway, I didn’t outright tell him to go pick them up, but I talked about it in a way that made it clear that in my mind he was the one going.  He didn’t say anything to my comments and yet he didn’t go anywhere either. Finally he told me that he had several things he needed to take care of and that I was going to pick up her medicine.  He didn’t ask me if I’d go.  He was telling me that I was going.  It may seem like a little thing to you, but to me that signified a big change.  Previously in this type of a situation he would either go himself but be grumpy about it or he’d explain why he didn’t want to go and ask me if I’d go, and usually if I made excuses or something he’d end up going.  But this time, he just told me, in no uncertain terms, that I was going.  It took me a minute to digest, but I understood.  He was right after all, I did have more time yesterday to go.  I wasn’t hacking away at my to do list yesterday like he was his.  So, I went.  He thanked me for going when I got back and that was that.

The other thing he handled differently yesterday has to do with a couple of things he wants me to take care of for him this week.  Usually he’ll just ask me to please take care of such and such.  And honestly, sometimes I remember and sometimes I don’t.  It’s not usually something that is of such importance that I prioritize it.  I mean, if the recycling doesn’t get put out this week there’s always next week, right?  This week one of the things is more important than that, but the other isn’t.  Well, last night Michael asked me for my phone.  I gave it to him without much thought.  His cell phone is the same kind as mine and I figured that maybe he was having an issue with his and wanted to see if it was the same on mine or something.  When he handed it back to me I found out what he’d been up to.  He told me that there were a couple of things that he wanted me to take care of and that he’d scheduled them in my calendar for me, so that I wouldn’t forget them.  He said that he expected them to be taken care of.  I didn’t know what to say and after a moment’s pause I just said, “okay.”  No discussion…he just scheduled them in my calendar, told me that he had and that he expected me to take care of them.  Wow.  Again, perhaps not a big deal from your perspective, but it is from mine.

Last night Michael was planning to spank me.  But, our daughter was still awake when we went to bed, coughing despite the medicine.  I was starting to feel stressed.  I was worried about her, aggravated with this stupid virus and that we’d taken her to urgent care and gotten her medicine and yet it seemed she still wasn’t going to get a good night’s sleep so that maybe she could start feeling better.  And I also felt like I needed that reconnection before Michael was gone for the rest of the week.  I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.  He opted instead for a bit of nipple torture, but he didn't really talk to me about it and so I stopped him and got an attitude and told him that I didn't even know what he meant by this...was this in place of the spanking, was he just enjoying himself or what?  I went on a little tirade and when I stopped he simply asked, “are you done?”  I nodded.  He talked to me, told me that this was in place of a spanking since there was no way that was going to happen at that point.  He said that if he could, he’d give me a spanking that I’d remember for quite awhile because of my attitude.  It was late and he needed to get some sleep and so he lay down on his side of the bed and pulled me over to snuggle with him and fall asleep.  But now I was even more upset.  So, what he was saying was that if he could’ve spanked me at that point it would’ve been a punishment, not a reconnection.  And now I felt like things were totally unresolved.  I kept trying to pull away from him, but he was insistent and wouldn’t let me go anywhere.  I started to cry.  I was tired, stressed out and upset with myself and him and just the whole situation.  And I could still hear my daughter coughing.  I thought about giving God a piece of my mind right about then, but I just cried softly onto my husband’s chest.  He rubbed my back and held me and let me cry.  Finally I looked up at him and he wanted to know what was wrong.  I told him that I felt things were unresolved and that I felt that it was my fault.  I shouldn’t have stopped him.  Then he said something that shocked me.  He told me that this was my punishment then.  It took me a minute to digest that.  Was he saying that being left feeling like things were unresolved was my punishment for my attitude and behavior?  I burst into tears and he just held me and wouldn’t let me go.  It took awhile, but I finally calmed down and fell asleep. 

I honestly still don’t know what to think of it, how I feel about it.  I had decided last night before falling asleep that I wasn’t going to text him this morning...that I would do what I needed to do, what he expected me to do, but that I was cutting off communication as much as possible.  I did text him this morning though.  I wrote…I wasn’t going to text you, but obviously I am.  I hope your day is going well.  Usually I text him something like…Good morning!  I love you!  Anyway, I guess I don’t know whether he just meant that I had to live with the consequences of my actions or that he was purposefully leaving me feeling unresolved as a form of punishment.  I guess maybe I’ll find out once he reads this.  I had decided I wasn’t going to send this to him before posting it…but I changed my mind about that too.  I don’t want to be a destructive force in our relationship; I’m just feeling a bit out of sorts about things right now.

Note: I emailed this to Michael and waited for him to read it before posting it, as he wishes me to do.  I thought I should let you know what he said about last night.  He apologized for the misunderstanding and said that what he meant was that my punishment was being forced to snuggle with him because he knew I didn’t want to.  He’s such a big meanie, don’t you agree?  I’m glad that’s what he meant.  I probably would’ve realized it if I hadn’t been an emotional wreck at the time.  He said that he hopes I’m feeling a bit better today and I am now that I know what he really meant...another reminder of how important good communication is when it comes to relationships, especially in regard to ttwd.

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