Out of Sorts? Yes and No.
Being in touch with your emotions isn’t all peaches and cream. As I write this I’m missing my husband. I know why he works so hard, why he’s gone so much. It’s because he’s providing for our family, for us, for the kids, for me. And I am thankful, grateful, for that, even if maybe it doesn’t seem like it.
I want him to be home more. I want to see him every day or at least more often, not just on the weekends. I want to spend time with him and I’m tired of sleeping alone. I want him to be a big part of my life and a big part of our kid’s lives. I’d like for it to be the four of us more often, not the kids and I and a little of dad on the side every now and then. These kids of ours are growing up and obviously we’re not getting any younger either.
On some level I’ve often thought to myself that it doesn’t really matter what I want, how I feel. And that’s part of the reason why I had buried these feelings to begin with. I figured that it is what it is and I didn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. In these times, in this economy, I figured that I probably sounded quite selfish. I should be glad that my husband has a job, that he’s providing for us, that I’m able to stay home with the kids. And believe me, I am glad of all of that. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not lonely.
Michael knows how I feel now, how I’ve felt for a long time, but we haven’t really had a discussion about it. On the one hand I think that we do need to talk about it, but on the other hand I know that it’s not like he can just quit his job and find another one with a schedule more conducive to family life. It’s not that simple.
I guess I don’t know how to deal with him being gone so much now that we’re working on our relationship, now that we’re getting closer. I miss him more and I need him more. This is both awesome and awful. I love it and I hate it. And I don’t have a clue what to do about it, how to deal with these feelings sometimes.
Michael left very early Monday morning and I haven’t seen him since. He had planned to surprise me by coming home Monday night, but unfortunately because of how his day went; he wasn’t able to do so. I could hear the disappointment in his voice as he told me about it when he called that evening. Then he tried to arrange his schedule so that he’d be able to come home today instead, but I’m afraid the stars weren’t properly aligned for that either. I’m glad to know that he’s making an effort, that means that he really did hear me and that he thinks it’s important too. It gives me the warm fuzzies and puts a smile on both my face and my heart. But…I still miss him. Saturday will be here soon, just not as soon as I’d like.
. . .
I originally wrote this post last week, but I never posted it. I decided to take another look at it yesterday afternoon, figuring I’d just file it away. But, I decided instead to rewrite it a bit, update and change it up a little. Then I sent it off to Michael in an email, figuring I’d post it the next day.
Last night I headed to church with the kids (our church has Bible studies and youth groups on Wednesday nights). The adult Bible study I’m participating in right now starts off with everyone as a big group for the main message and then we break up into small groups to tackle the discussion questions. I know everyone in my small group, some are acquaintances and others I consider friends. Anyway, a discussion question came up regarding circumstances and the different ways we can respond to them. A couple of people gave examples, of how someone could still be positive even in a negative circumstance and how someone could still be negative even in a positive circumstance.
And then a friend of mine/ours spoke up. He and his wife have been friends with Michael and I for awhile now, their kids are friends with our kids, etc. I don’t remember his exact words, but it went something like this…he said “Well, take you for example,” and he pointed to me. “Uh-oh,” I thought, “Where’s he going with this?” “With Michael being gone so much you could be upset a lot, feel down all the time, and really be on his case about it. Or you could appreciate that he works so hard to provide for your family and be grateful. You could hold him up as an example to your kids and tell them that you know it’s hard for him to be gone so much but that you have all that you do, your house, your vehicles, you’re able to go places and do things, all because their dad works so hard to provide for all of you.”
As you can imagine my jaw was on the floor. I think I managed to pick it back up, smile and nod in agreement. The discussion continued, but his words weren’t lost on me. He had no idea that I’ve been having a hard time lately with Michael being away so much. I haven’t talked to him or his wife or anyone that they would know about it, and Michael hasn’t either, I asked him. Our friend didn’t know it, but I think God used him; He spoke through him to me. I know, that might sound crazy to some of you, but I just can’t pass this off as mere coincidence. I believe that things in life happen for a reason. If you feel differently, that’s certainly your prerogative, but we’ll have to agree to disagree.
It was kind of like a wake up call to me and what I’m taking away from it is that I need to chill out, take things as they come, and focus on my blessings. I need to recognize that things are in fact changing for the better, but it’s not going to happen overnight, and even then, I can’t expect circumstances to be perfect. Oh, and baby steps are a good thing, especially when taken in the right direction. Today I find myself happy and looking forward to seeing my husband when he does come home, rather than feeling down and missing him. Oh and I think I'll go count my blessings now. ; )