Wow, what an interesting weekend, filled with ups and downs. It started Friday night when I left the kids at home with Michael and went out with a couple of girl friends. We met for dinner and drinks and had quite an evening. We talked and laughed and just enjoyed one another’s company.
Saturday morning Michael decided there would be a quick “who’s who” session. This may become a regular part of our routine, though it remains to be seen. It’s like we need something to set those roles firmly in place when Michael comes home. We both need help transitioning from the week we’ve been apart to come back together again. The session ended quite nicely I might add. *grin*
Saturday evening was a first. Michael and I met up with another couple who also practice DD. We enjoyed a nice dinner together, good food and good conversation. There were some nerves at first, but that didn’t last long. I did feel a little like I was under a microscope at times though. I guess it was just that I’m not used to being with another couple who knows and understands the dynamic. We had a great time though and we’re looking forward to getting together with them again sometime.
Sunday morning started off with a healthy dose of D/s before we woke the kids up to get ready for church. Michael seemed to want to set the tone for the day, a goal which he most certainly accomplished.
Unfortunately shortly thereafter I received some sad news. A long time online friend had passed away. I first met her years ago in an online homeschooling forum. In more recent years we were also Facebook friends. She was diagnosed with cancer and she knew she was dying. The grace and strength she displayed was just amazing. She leaves behind her husband and young children. While I rejoice that she’s no longer suffering and that she’s gone home to be with the Lord, my heart is broken for her family. I've been surprised actually at just how much her passing affected me...this woman that I never met. I’m thankful that I got to know her online, that I got to read about her trials and triumphs, hear about her frustrations and her joy. She was a light in this world and will truly be missed by many. My thoughts and prayers are with her family today and in the coming days, weeks, months and years as they grieve her loss, celebrate her life, learn to live without her, and create a new path for themselves. I’m sure she’s watching over them and hopefully there’s some solace in knowing that they will be reunited one day. As we headed to church I hoped there would be no talk of death; that the morning’s sermon wouldn’t deal with the topic of loss. Thankfully, it didn’t.
You know, it strikes me that I left something out about Saturday evening’s dinner. There were a few times, okay, maybe more than a few, when I was perhaps pushing my luck a bit, pushing against those boundaries that Michael has set up for me, playing a bit with that line in the sand. The conversation was playful at times and those lines seemed a bit blurry. In truth, the lines often seem a bit blurry to me when we’re with friends. Honestly, I think Michael is still figuring out where he wants those lines to be, what he’s comfortable with, what will strike a good balance for us. But, that makes it hard for me, if something is okay sometimes and not other times or if he’s sending mixed signals by playing along or not being clear. We talked about it on our way home and came up with a new plan, a new system, the traffic light. If he feels I’m getting pretty close to that line, then he’ll say yellow, meaning that I need to slow down, back off a bit, be careful, tread lightly, watch where I’m going. He might say just the word yellow or work it into the conversation somehow, i.e. something like “You know, I saw a bright yellow VW bug today.” If he says red then obviously I need to stop and probably do an about face. I can use green to ask him if he’s okay with something and/or he can use it to reassure me that I’m not in fact treading on thin ice. I’ll have to let you know how this new system works for us. I’m hopeful.
I suppose this brings me to last night. I put up a wall and hid behind it when I got upset instead of simply communicating how I was feeling. Why? Great question…I wish I had an answer. I do that less and less, but I still go there sometimes. It was late and Michael was finishing up a few things he needed to take care of before he was gone for the week. Maintenance was on the agenda. Or was it? I wasn’t sure. Truth be told, I needed it. It had been an emotional weekend and the PMS monster was encroaching. But, I didn’t want to need it. I felt like it was unfair to expect Michael to step up to the plate when really what he needed to do was get some sleep. I went to that place emotionally where I start to question my need for any of this, where I start to wonder if perhaps there’s something wrong with me. And I started feeling like a burden. While Michael was busy I snuck off to bed. By the time he came up I was almost asleep. In fact, I’m not sure if I had been lightly dozing or not. I laid there for a little while, willing myself to fall asleep, but I started waking up instead and then I was wide awake…wide awake, emotional and over tired that is. Not a great combination is it? There was a bit of a meltdown, which Michael handled masterfully (hmmm, is there a pun in there somewhere? lol). He broke through the wall, I talked, I cried, he held me and comforted me. Then there was maintenance accompanied by a bit of a lecture, some questions for me to answer, and afterward there was sleep, snuggled up with each other.
Today is a new day. The sun is even out right now. There are a lot of things kind of lingering in the back of my mind…friendships, boundaries, communication, etc. But mostly today I’m thinking about how wonderful my husband is and how thankful I am to have him in my life. This weekend was a full one for him, that’s for sure. He’s pretty amazing, I must say. Slowly but surely we’re figuring things out. Neither of us is perfect and life certainly isn’t anyway, but we’re working on ourselves and our relationship. And hey, how cool is it to actually meet up with another DD couple? Pretty cool if you ask me. My thought for today is to focus on the blessings, not the hurts and disappointments. Life is short.