Me and My Big Mouth

So, last night I was talking with Michael and I got brave.  I asked him if there was anything that I could do for him.  Perhaps I should mention that this was a phone conversation.  I won’t actually see him again until this weekend.  He decided to mull that over while we talked and then decided that yes, there was something I could do for him…an act of submission.  He wanted me to put the nipple clamps on and wear them for 15 minutes.  He said that they didn’t have to be on too tight, but obviously tight enough that they wouldn’t easily slip off (the tension is adjustable).  He told me to wait until the kids were in bed and put them on under my pjs and then go downstairs.  He didn’t want me to just lie on the bed or sit on the couch.  No, he wanted me up and doing things.  And he wanted me to go back upstairs to take them off.  After I finished my task I was to email or text him to let him know.  Oh.  Um.  Okay then.  I had asked, hadn’t I?  And now what could I do?  Nothing really, other than do as he asked. 

I know why he chose this.  The other night instead of spanking he opted for torturing my nipples a bit because he needed to do something very quiet.  So he was counting on my nipples still being tender.   And of course he wanted me moving around, going down the stairs and back up, doing things, so that the chain the clamps are attached to would sway and pull my nipples this way and that.

I was a bit nervous about this task.  Michael hasn’t even put the nipple clamps on me in awhile and now he wanted me to do it?  I got the first one on alright, tension seemed okay, not too hard, but staying on fine.  Then I put the second one on and ouch, that was too tight.  I turned the screw on it to loosen it, but I turned it the wrong way and tightened it more instead.  Ouch!!!  I took it off, which also didn’t feel great, loosened it up and tried again.  This time it was a little too loose; so I turned the screw just a little bit and that seemed to be good.  I walked over to the full length mirror to have a look, put my pj top on and went downstairs.  I picked up the dog toys, put away some dishes, let the dogs out and back in and then sat on the couch for the last few minutes before going upstairs and taking them off.  When I took them off my nipples hurt more for a moment, but then they started to feel better.

To be honest with you, I had mixed feelings about this task.  I was happy that I was able to complete it, happy to submit to Michael, but I wondered if by asking him if I was sort of topping from the bottom.  I sent him an email with the subject ‘mission complete’ telling him how it went.  And then I asked him if he thought I was topping from the bottom.  He said no, that I was just offering myself to him.  Okay, good.  I was happy with that.  I guess I just wasn’t sure how to feel about the whole thing at first since I’d asked for a task, rather than him just giving me one.  I think I asked because I just wanted to feel more connected to him while he was gone and I thought that maybe doing something for him would help.  It has helped before when he’s asked me to do things for him.  And it did help, though the mixed feelings I had afterward did take a little away from the experience. 

I think that I sometimes doubt myself, my intentions, how I go about things.  Topping from the bottom was something that I was very good at before we started ttwd.  And now I find myself struggling at times to find a balance, trying to make sure that yes, I’m expressing what needs to be communicated, how I’m feeling, asking for what I want or need…but yet not trying to take over, run the show subversively.  I didn’t feel like that’s what I was doing last night, but there was that little shred of doubt in my mind and so I asked Michael and he set my mind at ease.  He said that he was glad that I'm thinking about my controlling tendencies, but assured me that he isn't going to allow me take the reigns back.

As a bit of an aside…my daughter slept until noon today.  Yes, she’s a teen, but she never sleeps that late.  I was starting to get a little worried, but then she startled the heck out of me while I was doing laundry when she came in and said, ”hi mom,” while I had my back turned.  She was smiling and said that she felt a lot better.  Hopefully this means that she’s on her way back to health.  I myself am headed back to the drs tomorrow.  It’s not that I’m really miserable, just sick of being under the weather and I just can’t seem to shake this thing.

And completely downplaying all of this is the fact that I’ve been praying for a friend and her family lately.  Her baby girl had open heart surgery yesterday.  The surgery went well and the outlook is good, but something like that kind of puts everything else into perspective, doesn’t it?

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