Why So Controversial?
I was thinking about why DD is so controversial. It seems to me that there are several reasons.
For one thing, it doesn’t look the same in every relationship/household. This is actually one of the best things about ttwd, it can be customized to fit every couple and it can be used to create the kind of dynamic that works for them. It can also change over time as the couple grows and changes. It’s not something set in stone; it’s not black and white. But, that makes it harder for those not in such a relationship to understand. And people often don’t like what they don’t understand.
Sometimes DD is equated to nothing more than an excuse for abuse. I’m sure there have been cases where abuse has happened under the guise of DD. I have no idea how common that is; I doubt there are any statistics on it. And even if there were, how accurate would they be? Sometimes people jump to the conclusion that there’s abuse just because of the power structure of DD and the use of physical discipline. What they’re missing is that this is consensual. And they don’t understand that these acts are coming from a place of love, not from a place of hate or a desire to harm. But, for someone who has experienced or witnessed abuse it’s understandable that they may find it impossible to think of ttwd as anything other than abusive. And there are others who just can’t wrap their heads around the concept either. Part of that is because they’re on the outside trying to look in. They may read about this type of lifestyle online, but no matter how long and detailed a blog post may be, it can’t really give a complete picture of the situation at hand. It’s like me typing a smiley face. : ) You assume I’m happy about something, right? But, why am I happy? And just how happy am I? What if I’m not really happy, but I want to project that I’m happy for some reason. Perhaps I’m being sarcastic and I’m anything but happy. The smiley face in and of itself conveys a message, but not a complete one. If you’re not one of the people in the relationship, you can’t really understand the dynamic. That’s true for any relationship, not just a DD one. But when people don’t understand something, they often try to villainize it.
This leads me to think about the people out there who read these blogs and leave negative comments or write disparaging things about what they’ve read on their choice of social media. Why are they reading to begin with? Oh, yes, I can see how someone could stumble upon such a blog and read it and be horrified (not really understanding it or being able to wrap their head around it). But why on earth would they come back again and again? Why would they seek out more and more blogs on the same subject matter? It’s like they’re addicted or something. They obviously have a fascination with the subject matter, whether they want to admit it or not. Some of them claim to be looking out for the woman in the DD relationship, but it’s obvious by the hate that they spew that simply isn’t true. I personally don’t get it. If something is repulsive to me, I go elsewhere, not entrench myself in it. *shrug*
I’m sure there are a lot of people who think that a woman in a DD relationship is a doormat. My husband laughs at that idea (I just roll my eyes and shake my head). If you read my post Relinquishing Control you should already know that’s not the case in our relationship. If you’re wondering how we ended up on this DD journey and our reasons, that’s a good post to check out actually. It takes strength to give up control and it takes trust in the person you’re giving it up to as well. This didn’t come out of a place of weakness, quite the opposite actually. I still very much have a voice and I use it frequently. Michael has no interest in having a wife he can walk all over…which is good, because he’d have to find a new one. When I follow his lead, it’s voluntary. I’m the one who brought this idea to him to begin with. In order for ttwd to work we both have to make sacrifices for one another, we have to be thinking of each other’s wants and needs and put them above our own needs and desires. It’s not all about me doing whatever he wants…though that can be fun. *grin* I suppose that falls more under D/s, which admittedly is an aspect of our relationship as well and has been on and off for far longer than DD has.
Some people seem to equate DD with BDSM and I can understand why they’d get that impression. In our relationship these things seem to overlap a bit…dd, d/s, some light bdsm. But we don’t go around in leather and I don’t wear a collar and we don’t attend fetish events (not that all people participating in a strictly bdsm relationship do either by the way). For others DD is just that and nothing more. This goes back to ttwd being flexible and being able to customize it to our own needs and desires. Some people who have the mistaken impression that DD is just another term for BDSM say they’d be ok with it if we’d just call it what they think it should be called…a kinky fetish. Others seem to be even more repulsed by ttwd simply because they think it’s a kinky fetish. And some think that DD’s cousin, CDD (Christian Domestic Discipline) is just an excuse for Christians to partake in kinky sex and not feel badly about it. And, who knows, maybe that’s the case for some couples, but I certainly don’t think that’s the case for everyone in a CDD relationship.
As for me, I don’t mind being “controversial.” That doesn’t mean I appreciate being attacked mind you. I didn’t worry about being controversial when we started homeschooling. We were interested in trying it and it was a good fit for our family, so we’ve stuck with it. We’re secure enough in ourselves and in our decisions that we don’t need everyone else’s stamp of approval. Yes, it is nice to have it sometimes and the lack of it may make us reevaluate our choices and perhaps even make some changes sometimes. But it’s not just because someone else didn’t like a choice we’d made, but because we were open to change and perhaps realized that it wasn’t working for us or it wasn’t the best choice for our relationship or our family. Too many people don’t seem to have the capacity to agree to disagree. They’re so entrenched in being right. I imagine they’re insecure and need to have others agree with them to build them up and make them feel better about themselves. While I do have doubts about things sometimes (and who doesn’t), I’m glad I don’t have that issue. My self worth isn’t based on what someone else thinks of me or if someone else agrees with me or not. I imagine that would be so stifling. It’s freeing to just be able to be who you are, to pursue what interests you, to make decisions based on what you think will work out the best for yourself and not based on the fear of worrying about what others might think or say. It’s not that I don’t worry about hurting others feelings, that’s not what I’m talking about. What I mean is that I think you should pursue becoming a better you, not a better someone that others think you should be. That’s what I’m trying to do and if that’s controversial, well, as my husband would say, I’m good with it.