Throwing Caution to the Wind

That’s what I’ve been doing lately.  You know those D’s?  I’ve been whacking away at them one by one.  Disobedience?  Check!  Disrespectful?  Check!  Dishonesty?  No.  Dangerous?  Well, if you consider breaking D’s 1 & 2 dangerous, then yes, but otherwise no.  Distancing?  Maybe…that’s a little more complicated.

I’ve been taunting Michael a bit.  Hmmm, did I say a bit?  Very mature, I know.  It’s like I’ve gone from feeling stressed and upset to a kind of in your face playful frivolity, or the appearance of it anyway…from one extreme to the other I’m afraid.  The truth of the matter is that I think I’m trying to keep him busy with the outer me so that he’ll leave the inner me alone right now.  Does that make any sense?  It’s still a wall, it just looks differently on the outside.  So, I guess that’s a “check” on distancing then.  It was really hard for me to hear how I’ve hurt him with my words and actions.   So, why then am I sort of upping the ante right now?  Honestly…probably because I feel guilty and feel like I should be punished.  So, if I act up, leaving d’s in my wake then he’ll punish me.  And yes, I just used the “p” word, twice.  So, what do I do now that I’ve realized what my problem is?  I guess I let him read this and leave it up to him to decide what to do with it…with me.  *sigh*

I wrote that yesterday evening, and yes, I had Michael read it.  Writing helps me process things, work through them.  I highly recommend it…even if you never show it to anyone.  Anyway, it certainly helped me figure out why I was acting the way I was yesterday.  And sharing it with Michael helped him to understand too.

And yes, Michael decided that a spanking was in order.  He’d mentioned the possibility of one before this, but my behavior combined with what I wrote sealed the deal.  Over his knee I went.  He lectured a bit while he spanked.  That’s something he doesn’t always do.  Sometimes he lectures first and then spanks.  And he asked me some questions too.  One time I didn’t answer to his satisfaction and let me say, while in that position, that’s not a good idea!  At one point he seemed ready to stop and I actually told him that I needed more.  In truth, I didn’t want more…but I knew that I wasn’t where I needed to be emotionally.  Well, he made sure that I got there.  No, no tears.  I have yet to start crying while he’s spanking me.  I’ve cried before or after, while we were talking.  But, tears or not, I felt much better by the time he was done…well, emotionally speaking.  As for my bottom and upper thighs, they were quite warm, red and tender by the time he was done.

He held me afterward, rubbing my back and telling me how much he loves me.  Before long we moved onto other activities.  He put my mouth to work first, while he rubbed my tender bottom.  He says that I always suck him so much better after a thorough spanking.  Perhaps it’s because I’m in a much more submissive mindset?  I don’t know.  And then he entered me and we rode the waves together, eventually crashing on the shore, entangled and spent, smiles on our faces as we cuddled and fell asleep together.

And today I feel so much better.  I feel loved and cared for.  I feel safe and secure.  I feel centered and able to take on the day.  Oh, and I’m thinking that if Santa doesn’t bring me some chair pads for the wooden dining room chairs I may have to buy some myself!  ; )

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