Refocused

What a weekend we had.  Life is stressful right now and Michael and I have both been feeling it.  We’d each been trying to deal with it on our own, so as not to stress each other out even more.  But that meant that we weren’t relying on each other, that there was something unspoken between us.  We both knew it was there, we just didn’t know what to do about it.  Finally this weekend we talked about it.  That was hard, but it was needed and now we’re able to be there for each other.

We had some ups and downs over the weekend.  We talked a lot and yes, I was spanked.  Saturday night was just a quick, but firm reminder basically.  He focused on dominating me in more, um, intimate ways.  He seems to really have a thing for the forced orgasm.  He’s used that several times with me now.  I guess I can’t complain, I mean, he’s making me orgasm after all.  But it certainly gets his point across as well, about who’s in charge, etc.  Sunday night was maintenance.  It probably should’ve been discipline…or, well, punishment.  I’m trying out that word lately, punishment, trying to wrap my head around it.  I think I still prefer the term discipline.

Maintenance didn’t start off well.  I had told him before we went upstairs that if he was planning to spank me that I needed him to be firm.  I said that the way I was feeling if he showed any weakness that I was going to try to take advantage of it, try to get him to change his mind.  He started things off by sitting on the bed with me kneeling on the floor in front of him.  He told me that this was going to be maintenance, not discipline.  He said that I probably deserved discipline, but that he understood the stress that I’ve been under and due to the circumstances he was going to be lenient.  To me, this sent a very mixed message.  What I was hearing was that he was upset with me and felt that I deserved discipline, but that he wasn’t going to give it to me.  What I should’ve focused on was that he was being kind, but in my mind I was wondering how we were going to move past it, clean the slate, without discipline.  I felt like we weren’t going to be able to move past it, like it would still be hanging over me.  

I got upset and voiced my concerns in a not so respectful manner.  This caught him totally off guard and he reacted (with words, lest you think otherwise).  I realized how upset he was and I shut down.  I didn’t want to say or do anything to upset him more.  I was upset with him and I was upset with myself too.  He wanted to know why I was withdrawing.  I took a moment and then looked up at him with tears in my eyes and apologized and I asked him if we could start over.  He pulled me up onto the bed with him and he held me, but I found that I couldn’t let myself melt into him.  We talked for a little bit and then he wanted to know what I wanted, what I needed.  I didn’t know what to tell him.  I was a mix of emotions.  I reminded him that I had apologized and had asked if we could start over.  I told him that I wish I could just say that I’d be fine if we just cuddled and fell asleep, but that I wasn’t sure that was true.  He mulled this over and then I was over his knee.  I tried to hold still, tried not kick my legs up or put my hand back, but soon he had my hands pinned under one of his legs and my legs pinned under his other leg.  He talked some while he spanked and told me that he loved me.  He wasn't hitting that hard, but I was still trying to squirm.  

When he was through Michael was interested in more erotic endeavors.  We danced our dance and as we cuddled together afterward he asked me what was wrong and I admitted that I was still feeling a little unsettled.  He asked me what I needed, what he could do for me.  I pulled away from him a little and asked him if it was wrong for me to feel like I needed to be spanked more.  He burst out laughing (which, I’m sure you’d understand if you’d heard how I asked…let’s just say that I can be very direct sometimes).  I smiled.  He told me no, of course not, that he would be happy to help me out and he asked me why I would think it was wrong.  I said that I’d already been spanked, we’d had amazing sex and so that there must be something wrong with me for still feeling like I needed more.  I went on to admit that I wonder why we can’t have this without ttwd.  That a part of me feels like there must be something wrong with us…with me…for needing this.  He just looked at me for a moment, a thoughtful look on his face and then pulled me to him.

We’ve been married over 18 years.  We’ve been together over 20.  Neither of us has ever been unfaithful to each other.   We’ve known each other since we were kids.  Right there, those things make us not normal. 

He paused for a minute to let that sink in.


Am I abusing you?  Should you call the cops?

I was appalled…

                No!  Of course not!

Look at how close we are now.  How many other couples do you think can say that?  And when have either of us ever worried about being normal?  There isn’t anything wrong with this or with us.

I knew he was right.  I have a habit of needing to understand things and justify them to myself rather than just accepting them.  DD, ttwd, seems to be one of those things that I need to just accept.  I need to move past the stigma and see how much this is changing both of us for the better.  It’s helping us to be better as individuals, as a couple and as parents.  Our kids have certainly noticed a difference.  They’ve had to accept that we’re taking time for just the two of us sometimes now and they’re seeing the results of that.  They’ve noticed that mom and dad are happier and that we’re more loving toward one another.  DD is a tool, a relationship tool.  It’s a tool for us to use that helps us stay connected, it helps us communicate, it helps us express how much we love and care for one another.  And when we struggle, when we have problems, when there’s something that’s coming between us, it’s a tool to help us resolve the problem.

After we talked for a little bit, he told me to roll over, a grin on his face.  I pouted, but we both knew I didn’t mean it.  I rolled over and he spanked, fast and hard.  It was just what I needed.  When he stopped I thanked him, we shared words of love, snuggled up together and fell asleep.

When I woke up Monday morning I thought about the weekend and decided to write Michael an email…

Hey there…you, the one I love.  : )  I want to say that I'm sorry and thank you and tell you how much I love you.

I'm sorry for not just letting you lead me, for fighting you.  I'm sorry for putting my needs above yours.  You said that the most important thing to you is that I'm happy.  Well, guess what, I want you to be happy too!  And the way I've been going about things, well, I haven't been showing that to you.

I think you're truly an amazing man and I feel so blessed to have you not only in my life, but to be your wife.  I know I've been confusing lately and for that I'm really sorry.  I've been trying to figure things out and have been putting too much pressure on both of us, on everything.   I think I've made you question yourself and feel less confident at times.  I want you to lead me however you want to.  I'm going to start trying to take things as they come and try not to over think, over analyze....you...me…us.

Things have been stressful lately.  And I know that as much as I’ve been feeling it, it's a lot worse for you.  I want you to know that I trust you and have faith in you to lead not only me, but our family.  We'll make it through this together.  And if there's anything I can do, any way that I can help, please let me know.  I know that you're always there for me, but I'm here for you too.

Thank you for this weekend.  I know you were tired and stressed and yet you took the time to take care of me and show me how much you love me and how important I am to you.  I'm sorry that I haven't had my head on straight lately; that I've been making things harder for you instead of easier.  I was upset and confused and all mixed up inside myself, but I never meant to take it out on you.

I want you to know that I love you, I respect you and I trust you.  And I miss you too...yes, already.  (((hugs)))


Love,
always & forever,
Grace


I really do love him more than words can express and I know that’s how much he loves me too.  I feel somehow lighter, like a weight has been lifted off.  I feel refocused and stronger, more sure of myself, of ttwd, of us.  It was like I’d fallen down into an abyss, but Michael was there to rescue me.  It was like he reached out to me, extending his hand and all I had to do was take it and hold on tight for him to pull me back to safety.  There are always going to be misunderstandings.  There will be missteps here and there.  But, it’s how we handle them that makes all the difference.

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