Reality Check

Things have been going pretty well lately.  It seems like Michael and I are growing, becoming more comfortable in our roles.  I was reading some of the blogs I frequent and thinking about the difference between a maintenance spanking and a punishment discipline spanking.  And I found myself thinking that I was sort of forgetting what a discipline spanking was like.  It’s been longer than usual since I’ve had one.  And I started to feel good about that.  And then it dawned on me.  The only reason I haven’t had one recently was because of timing and Michael’s mercy due to the situation.  Oh.  Yeah.   That’s right.

The thing is, it’s been awhile since I’ve had a maintenance spanking too.  And that makes me nervous.  I’m not sure how I’m going to handle the next one.  In my mind, it’s almost like I’d started to think we’d moved past spankings, like they’re not needed anymore.  Yeah.  I know, I know, dangerous thoughts.  I don’t want to become complacent about things.

I’m wondering how this weekend will go.  Will I readily submit to maintenance or will I fight it?  (and in the back of my mind I’m thinking, maybe there won’t even be maintenance)  The way I feel right now, well, I’d try to divert him and if that didn’t work I’d try to talk him out if it.  Why?  Well, I guess I feel like I’ve been doing so well lately that I don’t really need it.  Ugh.  I know that’s not true, but it’s what I want to think.  I want it to be true.  Or do I?  What if he decided I was right?  What if he decided we didn’t need to do maintenance anymore?  Ok, I know that’s not going to happen, at least not at this point, but just go with me.   How would I feel about it?  To tell you the truth, I think I’d feel let down.  I think I’d start to let go of expectations, of myself and of him.  I think I’d start not caring so much about ttwd.  I think I’d start to let things slide.

I sent Michael a text…

                I just feel tired and blah…and the sun is even out.  What’s up with that?
He said he didn’t know and wanted to know what I thought.

I think it’s because I haven’t been exercising, I’ve been drinking too many sugary beverages and I haven’t been spanked in…ages.  lol  Oh, and falling asleep on the couch last night instead of going to bed probably didn’t help either.

He agreed that it probably hadn’t helped and simply said…

                I can help with the other stuff.

I sat and stared at his text for a minute before replying…

                Oh, um, uh…well…I guess I don’t know what to say to that!

He laughed and said he loved me.  I told him I loved him too.

Hmmm…ok, what I haven’t told you is that I had already sent him an email admitting that I was struggling in these areas.  I said that maybe I could use his help.  I told him that I felt like I should be able to get a handle on these things on my own, but that I realized it just wasn’t happening.  I would cut back on the sugar and then slowly start to have more and more until I was right back where I started.  And I’d think about exercise, but too often I wouldn’t actually do it.  I’d just keep putting it off until it was too late in the day.  Anyway, in the email I made some suggestions and asked him to think about it.  The thing of it is, I’m not sure if he’s even read the email yet.  He usually responds to my emails right after he reads them, but I had asked him to think about this, so perhaps he has read it and is doing just that?  I don’t know, but either way, he was quick to suggest in his text that he could help.  I’m not sure how I feel about that.  A little nervous I guess, but mostly a sense of calm reassurance.  It’s like a reminder that he’s there for me, that I can rely on him.  But then I wonder, am I relying on him too much?  Am I putting too much on him?  Is that really fair to him?  I honestly don’t know.  I don’t have an answer to that.  I hope not, but I’m not sure.  I guess I’m still at the stage where I’m questioning things rather than just being able to accept them.  Maybe part of that is just my nature, another part is probably insecurity and another most likely has to do with trust.

Well, it seems like this weekend may be an interesting one.  I wonder if I’m going to have some new rules as I go into next week.  I guess if we don’t want to become stagnant then the only other option is to continue to push ourselves and grow.  Here’s hoping that there aren’t too many growing pains!  ; )


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