One Size Fits All
If it’s not true with clothing, why would it be the case when it comes to relationship advice? Actually, the only thing I can think of that’s truly one size fits all is God’s love for us.
Last night was a bit of a train wreck. I hadn’t been spanked for about two weeks. Well, that’s not entirely accurate. He gave me a light maintenance session the previous night, which was the first time I’d been spanked in about two weeks. But, discipline was needed. It was long overdue and we both knew it. While I wasn’t exactly looking forward to it, I was really longing for the reconnection it brings, the slate wiped clean, and hopefully some erotic endeavors afterward. But, the thing of it is, I didn’t respond to Michael well at all last night. I think there were a couple of things going on.
For one thing, as I said, it had been awhile since I’d been disciplined. Michael was sure to remind me of the dynamic between us in other ways, some little, some not so little. But, I had kind of gotten it in my head that spanking wasn’t needed anymore, that it wasn’t important. And, I’d kind of gotten the idea that maybe, just maybe, I had a lot more control over things than he wanted me to think. And I guess, in retrospect, I was testing the boundaries, seeing where they were, if they’d moved.
For another thing, Michael had read a blog post that talked about how the HOH needs to remain basically calm, cool and collected throughout discipline. It talked about other things as well, but that was the thing that stood out to Michael. Now it’s not like he isn’t always in control of himself when he’s disciplining me, because he is. But I’m not sure I’d call him calm, cool and collected. Last night he was trying the 3 C’s on for size, and I certainly noticed the change in his demeanor, but I didn’t realize at the time what was going on. To me, he just seemed detached and it left me feeling confused and hurt and struggling to connect with him. I just knew that things didn’t feel right and I couldn’t put my finger on the reason why. This resulted in me alternating between doing as he wished and doing just the opposite…being obedient one minute and disobedient the next. He’d spank and I’d hold still for a little while, but then I’d start struggling to hold my position, eventually kicking my legs up or throwing my hand back or moving out of position. He’d put me in corner time and I’d stay there for only so long and then I’d decide that I’d had enough and I’d head for my pjs to put them on and go to bed and call it a night. And that’s the way things went. I will say that he really did a wonderful job, even with all my antics, remaining calm, cool and collected. Unfortunately, that was about the last thing I needed. I was really struggling. I just couldn’t get in the right headspace without feeling emotionally connected with him.
I know it may sound like I’m blaming Michael, but I’m not. In fact, I just sent him an email apologizing. I told him that I didn’t mean to treat this like a game or something, that I love and respect him, that I know that he’s the one in charge and that’s how I want it to be, that I was struggling and I didn’t know why and I ended up taking it out on him…and that I was so sorry. He wrote me back, thanking me and telling me that of course, as always, all is forgiven. I told him that I don’t need 3 C’s, I only need one. I don’t need him to be calm, cool and collected. I just need him to be in control, of me and of himself.
While it’s interesting to read about what works for others, and advice is appreciated sometimes, that doesn’t mean that just because something works for someone else that it will work the same way for everyone. And it seems like things are sometimes portrayed that way in blogland, as if there’s a certain formula and as long as you stick to it and follow the steps things will be wonderful, and if you stray away from the formula then things are certain to go badly. Well, perhaps that’s true…but, it seems just as likely that it isn’t. We’re all different, all individuals, and while there are some things that should be in place in any relationship (love, respect, safety, etc.), the rest we should feel free to customize, to bend and twist and form to our needs and our desires, to what will work for us. When it comes to DD, to this thing we do, one size simply doesn’t fit all, nor should it.