He came home...

the kids and the dogs surrounded him.  I managed to say hello and give him a little kiss and then I retreated to our bedroom.  I shut the door tightly, turned on the television and laid down on the bed, a sigh escaping my lips as I laid my head on my pillow.  I wondered if he’d come find me or not.  After a little bit, he did just that, laying on the bed next to me and pulling me to him.  He told me how much he loved me and said that we needed to talk.  I told him that I loved him too and bit my lower lip as I looked into his eyes.  I asked him if he was upset with me.  He said that he wasn’t; that he was worried about me.  My eyes fell and he told me to look at him.  I looked back up into his eyes and saw how serious he was, how worried he was and how much he loved me and cared about me.  He talked and I tried to hold his gaze without fidgeting too much.  He started off by addressing what I’d written him in an email earlier in the day and then started asking me questions.  I tried to put him off, tried to change the subject, tried to play it off and tell him that I was ok.  He wasn’t having it, he knew better.  He was patient, but intent.  It took awhile, but eventually I opened up to him.

He held me and then he wanted me to look at him again and he started talking.  He told me that I need to rely on him, that I need to let him know when I need help.  He said that I never do that, ask him for help.  He told me that he needs to know what’s going on with me, how I’m feeling, physically and emotionally.  He said that he appreciates that I don’t want him to worry about me, but that I don’t get to decide what he worries about.  He said that it’s his job to care for me and protect me and that he needs to know what’s going on, how I’m feeling, in order to do that.  There were a couple of times while he was talking that he said something that really hit a nerve with me and I would dissolve in tears.  He’d hold me tight until I calmed down and then he would make me talk about it.  I told him all the things I’ve been keeping from him lately, how I’ve been feeling, my worries, my struggles, my fears.  The whole time he made sure that I felt loved and safe and that I knew how seriously he was taking this.  

And then he wanted to know what I needed from him.  A deep sigh escaped my lips and I just looked at him.  I instantly knew the answer, but I hesitated to say it.  Saying it would mean that I was asking for help, it would mean admitting that I need to rely on him.  I started to tell him that I was fine, that I didn’t need anything, but he told me to stop and said that he wanted the truth.  After another sigh I started to tell him, but I stopped before I really got there.  He smiled and told me that this was not a two part series and I could not leave him with a cliffhanger.  I laughed, appreciating the levity, and then I told him.  He immediately enveloped me and I clung to him, but only for a moment.  He felt the change and wanted to know what was wrong.  I pulled back from him a little and told him that it was hard to be so vulnerable, that it was hard to need him so much when he’s not home.  He pulled me close again and told me that he was here now and that even when he’s not home, he’s always there for me.  This time I clung to him and didn’t let go.  I was ready to let him love me and care about me and protect me and it felt wonderful.

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