Feeling Lonely

As I sit here tonight at my computer I realize that I’m feeling lonely.  Michael left yesterday morning and won’t be home for a couple of days yet.  I’ve been home most of today, with the exception of dropping the dogs off at the groomers and picking them back up, stopping at the post office on the way.  It was a school day, so I did school with the kids, did some laundry and dishes, cleaned the main bathroom and vacuumed the house.  I posted a blog post, read and commented on some blog posts, and wrote a blog post…oh, and it would appear that I’m writing another one.  I made sure we all had breakfast, lunch and dinner, though my dinner was popcorn.  I wasn’t really hungry, but wanted a little something.  Popcorn often fits the bill when I’m feeling that way.

The kids are doing their own thing.  My son is playing with toys and watching holiday movies.  My daughter is listening to music and creating graphics on the computer.  I’m missing Michael.  I wish he was home tonight.  Actually, I wish he was home every night.  Before we started ttwd, I did miss him when he was gone, but too often when he was home we didn’t get along and so I ended up having mixed emotions about his absence.  Now I just plain miss him.  A lot.  This is the way we’ve lived for a long time and I feel like I’m looking for a light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s just not there.  It’s not that I begrudge him his job.  I know that he enjoys it, finds it fulfilling, and wants and needs to provide for his family, for us, for me.

I cringed when I wrote that last part…for me.  I find myself thinking that if I was bringing in an income as well that maybe he would be home more.  Maybe he’d be able to take a job that paid less because he wouldn’t be the sole provider.  We’ve had this discussion on numerous occasions.  I love being able to be home and homeschool our children, but I sometimes feel guilty about it too.  It puts a lot of pressure on him.  I know what his reaction will be when he reads this.  He’ll remind me why we decided that it would be best for me to be home and he’ll try to reassure me about that decision…he’s a sweetheart like that.

I find myself wondering if there could be a change down the road…a job change.  If I dared hope, I’d hope for something that was still fulfilling, maybe even more so, something where Michael  would be home more, something that would still provide for us financially.  *sigh*  Not all that long ago I had a dream that we moved.  Michael went for a job interview and I went along with him because apparently I knew the lady who owned the company from an online forum I’ve belonged to for years.  She ended up hiring him full time and me part time and she said she didn’t even have a problem with the kids coming to work with us sometimes; they could work on their school work.  Now how’s that for pie in the sky?  Anything can happen in a dream I guess.  I didn’t have to think about what had spurred that dream, if I’d eaten something too close to bed.  It was mostly about us all being able to be together more as a family.  I miss Michael and I know the kids miss their dad too.  He tries to make the time he spends with them quality time since it’s not usually a great quantity of time.  I know they’ll have many fond memories of times spent with their dad to look back on. 

*sigh*  I thought that maybe writing this post, writing about how I was feeling would make me feel better, but I’m not sure it’s panned out that way.  Perhaps it’s given me more clarity, but I don’t really feel any better.  I miss my husband.  I know I’m blessed to have him.  I’d love to see him more often, to be able to spend more time with him.  I know he feels the same way, he misses me, misses us.  I wish I had an answer, a solution.  I wish I could see that light at the end of the tunnel.  I guess for now we hang in there, doing the best we can, making the most of the time we do have together and hope for something better down the road.

I wrote this post last week.  Since then Michael and I have talked and I’ve gotten to spend some time with him.  He’ll be home later today, hopefully in time for dinner.  I can’t wait to see him.  I don’t know what God has in store for us, individually, as a couple or as a family.  I don’t know if things will remain the same for awhile or if a change is around the corner.  There was a time when people would ask me if it was hard having him gone so much and I’d shrug my shoulders and say that I was used to it or I’d comment that the kids missed him.  The reality was, he and I weren’t on the same page very often, whether he was home or not.  We were growing farther and farther apart.  While it’s hard to miss him so much now, I’d rather miss him then go back to where we were.

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