Control

I've been trying to figure out what’s going on with us lately…no, not really with us…with me. I think I may have figured it out this morning in the shower. Yes, in the shower. Why? Where do you do your best thinking? Life has been stressful lately…stuff regarding Michael’s job, family stuff, finances and a couple of health related things…oh, and have I mentioned that Christmas is right around the corner? Yeah. Stressful. Life feels a little out of control right now honestly…sort of like we’re barreling along faster and faster on a roller coaster or down into a coal mine or something.

Lately I’ve had a lot of trouble with submission. I’ve been really struggling. It’s like I’m not willing or able to fully go there. I’ll start off submitting, but then I start to struggle and then I end up rebelling. I’m leaving both Michael and myself confused. He’s said to me on more than one occasion lately that it’s just not like me. He’s wondering what’s going on, where is this coming from? Great questions sweetie…now if only I had the answers. You may be tempted to think that I’m doing it purposefully, but I’m not. I’m not just bratting or trying to treat this as a game. I just can’t seem to get to the place I need to be. And yes, he’s spanked and used corner time and lectured and held me and comforted me and loved me through all of it. He’s doing all the right things and yet, there’s this disconnect.

I feel myself withdrawing, not letting him fully reach me. Why is that? Is it a reaction to stress? Is it because I’ve been bottling things up, internalizing things, rather than dealing with them? At first I thought that I was reacting to him, that he was being emotionally detached and that caused me to hold back. Now I’m not so sure about that. I don’t know, maybe I’m reacting to my stress and how I’m feeling or to knowing that he’s stressed and feeling that in him. Am I trying not to put more on his plate and so I'm trying to back away from ttwd? I feel guilty for being another thing he has to deal with. But my lack of submission actually makes things harder on him, not easier. And then I feel guilty about that. Maybe the truth of the matter is that yes I’m stressed and hurting inside and trying to deal with that, but I know that he is too and so I’m trying to take care of myself so that he doesn’t have to take care of me. I will say, it hasn’t been going swimmingly.

Interestingly enough, when I started writing this post I had something a bit different in mind. I was going to write about control, what it is, why I’ve been having a hard time giving it up and how I’ve been longing for Michael to take more of it. I thought I had a good idea what I was going to say, but as I worked my way through my thoughts and emotions something else came out. Maybe I should have changed the title, but I wasn’t sure what to change it to, so it remains. This has been a challenging post to write actually, but it illustrates one of the main reasons why I do write. It helps me work through things.

Control…one definition is the power to influence or direct people's behavior or the course of events. Some people hunger for it, crave it, will do almost anything to have it. I’ve already said that life feels a bit out of control right now. I imagine that’s why part of me has been longing for Michael to step up even more, to tighten the reins, to take complete control of me, of himself, of everything. But, that’s unrealistic and probably not very healthy either. I’ve realized that I’ve been looking for him to fill a position that isn’t his to fill. Yes, he’s the HOH, but he’s only human. He can’t possibly control everything and everyone. As much as we’d like to think otherwise, none of us can…although, actually there is one or should I say a trinity…God. Michael’s shoulders are big and he can handle a lot. But I can’t put everything on him, that’s not fair. I can handle a lot too, but I can’t take it all off his shoulders and put it on mine either. Frog comes to mind…no, not those little green guys hanging out on lily pads. FROG = Fully Rely On God. Have I been doing that lately? Have I been putting the same time and effort into my relationship with my Lord and Savior as I’ve been putting into my marriage?

Hmmm…tough questions and not at all where I thought I’d end up with this post. But there it is. I guess I have some more thinking to do, some more prayers to say, some more Bible verses to read. Right now though, I think I’ll take a little time for myself, to relax, to recharge, to get ready to take on life again. It may beat me up from time to time (life that is), but it can’t keep me down. I find myself hoping that I can let go and really reconnect with Michael this weekend, and if I can’t, if I’m just not there yet, well, then I guess baby steps will do. Eventually I will get there.  



Sorry for such a convoluted post!  *sigh*

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