Closing out 2011

I started writing this post last night…

I’m not sure I feel like sharing, like writing, like dealing with how I’m feeling, my actions.  *sigh*  But, I know that writing usually helps.

Michael had told me that there would be a reconnection tonight.  He said that I actually deserved discipline, but that it was partly his fault for not doing maintenance last weekend.  This gave me little solace.  When he got home I was on the computer chatting.  I said hello and told my friend that I needed to go.  Michael came over and put his hand on my throat, no pressure on it, just there and tilted my head up and kissed me deeply.  Then he looked into my eyes and asked me if I got the message.  Um, yes, I did and by the way, welcome home.  He smiled and started to put his stuff away.  I got up and was showing him a magazine I’d picked up for him, full of Mexican recipes.  We love Mexican food!  It said there were over 100 authentic recipes.  I figured there must be something new and yummy to try.  Things were going well at that point, but they quickly took a downhill turn.  I was being what I’d call playful…kind of teasing him, taking something out of his hand that he was reading, etc.  He said that I was being a brat and warned me to stop.  I headed his warning…well…for a few seconds.  And then I said…

Hmmm, I wonder what would happen if I grabbed that out of your hands again.  (a grin from ear to ear on my face)

You’ll end up in the bathroom with the bath brush smacking your butt and I’m not going to be concerned about whether the kids can hear or not either!

Before he even finished his statement, I grabbed it out of his hands again.  His demeanor totally changed.  He grabbed it back, threw it on the counter, grabbed me and led me into the bathroom.  He closed the door, undid my pants, pulled them and my panties down and bent me over the washing machine.  He kept a hand on my back as he reached into the cabinet to get out the wooden bath brush and started smacking my bottom with it.  Unfortunately for me, my bottom was a bit chilly and that made it sting even more than usual.  After several smacks, he put the bath brush away and walked out of the room.  I was left to pull up my panties and pants and then I joined him in the kitchen.  I stood and leaned against the wall and watched him, pouting when he looked over.  He just gave me a look and told me that he didn’t have any sympathy for me.

I told you what would happen and you did it anyway.  You thought I wouldn’t do it and you found out otherwise.

What could I say to that?  It was true.  Was I being bratty?  Playful?  Feisty?  Whatever you want to call it, I told him that he liked me that way.  He said that was true, but that I needed to heed his warnings and stop when he’s had enough.  *sigh*  Okay, point taken.  I certainly hadn’t done that.

So now…now I wait.  I don’t think my fate has changed from a reconnect to discipline, but that remains to be seen.  One thing I do know for sure is that I’d better find that soft submissive side of me and have it handy.  And I’m quite sure that he means to get his point across, make sure our roles are reestablished.

Wish me luck and I’ll see you on the other side!

Obviously I didn't end up posting that last night.  The rest of this I wrote today…

Last night was…intense.  The kids got to bed late and so did we.  By the time we were both upstairs I was feeling rather neglected and I wanted nothing more than to just go to sleep.  I didn’t respond to Michael well at all.  I submitted my body, but not my mind or emotions.  He spanked me otk and I was determined not to let him in, not to let those walls drop.  He used the rod and the wooden spoon and I kept my hands under his leg, didn’t kick my legs up and while my breathing got heavier, I didn’t make a sound.  Let me tell you, that took some serious effort on my part because he was not going easy on me.  When he pulled me up he decided that I needed more and placed some pillows on the bed for me to lay over.  When he took my arm to guide me over the pillows, I yanked my hand back, let out a big sigh and flopped myself over them.

                If there’s something you want to talk about, say it.

                I don’t want to talk to you!

He paused for a moment, I think unsure of how to proceed.  Then he had me get up and told me that he was stopping.  He said that things weren’t right between us and that it just didn’t feel right.  I was grateful, but I was still quite upset.  That wall was up and it had been well fortified by then. 

  It wasn’t just about last night.  It was about a pattern of behavior.  As you probably already know, Michael is gone a lot.  He works long days and is often tired when he gets home.  There have been many times, over a number of years, that he would tell me before he came home how he was looking forward to spending some time with me, some intimate time with me.  Then when he would get home he would reinforce that with his words and actions.  But, we would have to wait for the kids to go to bed and often he would end up letting them stay up late…because, well, they missed him too and he also wanted to spend time with them.  And then we’d snuggle on the couch for a little bit before going to bed ourselves and he’d end up falling asleep on the couch…leaving me disappointed and frustrated.  Sometimes when he’d wake up he’d be interested in some intimate adventures, but often by then I was tired, and ready for sleep.  Other times when he’d wake up he’d basically stumble up the stairs and go to bed.  Either way, I would end up feeling hurt.  If I tried to say anything to him about it, he would go on the defensive (which, I admit, sometimes I was probably on the attack myself) and remind me that he had worked hard all week, he’d gotten a lot less sleep than me, he’d been up since who knows when that morning, etc.  I would end up shutting down most of the time, not really feeling up for a fight at that point.  I mean, really, what was I going to say anyway?  Last night felt the same exact way to me, all those emotions came flooding back, only I put that wall up and shut down without telling him why.  I could already hear his words, spoken to me so many times in the past, going through my head.  I was sad, angry, hurt and disappointed.

He laid down and I sat on the edge of the bed, my back to him.  He tried to talk to me, tried to get me to open up, but I was surrounded by a fortress by now.  This lasted awhile.  He didn’t know what to do and honestly, neither did I.  Eventually, he came over to me and lay next to me and started rubbing my back.  He wanted to make things better, he didn’t want to go to sleep like this and leave it for the next day.  I wanted to be anywhere but there and struggled not to lash out at him. 

Finally I realized that he wasn’t going to leave me alone, that I needed to open up or we were both going to remain miserable.  We talked…no, mostly I talked and he listened.  I explained how I felt.  That I felt like I wasn’t important, not a priority on his list, that I was the last thing on his agenda.  I told him that I wondered if he didn’t want to follow through or if he just couldn’t be bothered.  While I hadn’t been looking forward to the spanking itself, I had been looking forward to the reconnection and hopefully some other endeavors afterward.   I told him how this felt like all those times before and asked him if he remembered how hurt I’d been by that over the years.   His face changed as I talked, he hadn't been thinking about it like that.  I said that I felt that if it was important to him…if I was important to him…that he would’ve made sure the kids were in bed earlier, and he would’ve made sure that we had been as well.  Instead it was 1:30am when he joined me upstairs and I felt…well…really hurt by the whole thing.

He wanted me to lie down next to him and so I did.  I was calmer than I’d been earlier, but I was still quite upset.  He started talking, taking responsibility for his actions, apologizing.  It helped, some of the fortress fell, but there was still a wall between us.  I didn’t want it there anymore.  I wanted things to be okay.  I wanted to get some sleep and not wake up miserable still the next morning.  I needed closure.  I couldn’t move on by myself, I needed his help.  As much as I had needed him to hear me out, understand how I was feeling and apologize for his part in it, now I needed him to step up, to take control back, to make things right…and…I told him as much.

He started off by making me get undressed as I’d gotten into my pjs after he’d spanked me.  And from that point on he made sure that I understood that I am his, every inch of me.  It was intense, much more so than any adventures that we’ve had in awhile.  He dominated me fully and I fully submitted.  There was pleasure and there was pain, and there was pleasure in the pain.  This is out of the realm of ttwd.  As I’ve mentioned previously, we do flirt a bit with some bdsm.  He knew to care for me afterward, to hold me and reassure me and make sure I knew how much he loves me and that he was proud of me and that I had pleased him.  I fell asleep cuddled up to him, my head on his chest. 

When I awoke this morning I was back on my side of the bed and I wasn’t feeling quite right, it was like I was upset or something.  This surprised me and I wasn’t sure why I was feeling that way.  Michael was concerned and didn’t understand it either.  We talked a little, but I didn’t figure it out until he was in the shower.  I needed more aftercare.  I was feeling a bit fragile, emotionally speaking.  Last night was intense, physically and emotionally.  The night had ended well, and I’d fallen asleep happy, but I needed more from him this morning.  I needed some more reassurance, for him just to be a bit more attentive and loving.  When I told him he smiled and kissed me and said that he was glad that’s what it was and that he knew how to take care of me…and he did.

We’ve had a good day today.  Our roles have been reaffirmed, no walls between us.  I feel like we’re ending the year on a high note.  I’m so grateful to have started this journey with ttwd back in September.  It hasn’t always been easy, but it’s been well worth it.  I can’t wait to see what’s in store for us in 2012!  Happy New Year my friends!  May it be filled with health and happiness!  : )


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