Answers from Michael

First of all, I want to thank all of you who asked questions.  I was excited when Michael was open to this idea, but then I worried that no one would actually ask him anything.  Both of us want to make it clear that this isn’t an “ask the expert” sort of thing.  We haven’t been at this very long ourselves!  Rather, it’s just a chance to hear from a different point of view.  ; )  Be aware that what works for us, may not work for you.  And any advice given is done so with a take it or leave it attitude, certainly take it with a grain of salt or maybe a few.  Enough said?  Ok…now on to the main event…it’s all yours handsome!  : )


Thank you beautiful for sharing your blog space with me.  And thanks to all of you for the thought provoking questions.  I was surprised how much harder they were to answer than I had anticipated!


Q: How long did it take you to feel comfortable in your role as HOH?  Did it just come naturally for you or was it a slow and gradual process – Susan

A:  There are really two aspects of this to me.  First, being dominant was pretty comfortable already when we started ttwd.  Grace and I had incorporated some D/s into our relationship over the years.  However, stepping up into the role of HOH has been more of a challenge.  It requires commitment and consistency.  The role itself is something I’m comfortable with though.


Q: Ok…I have one…is Grace as hard to live with as she thinks she is or is she being a bit too hard on herself??  ;0)  I think you both seem wonderful and have really enjoyed being invited into your lives!! ((hugs)) – Mikki

A: Thanks Mikki!  Although Grace can be a handful at times, I think she often has unrealistic expectations of herself and is way too hard on herself when she fails to meet those expectations.  The truth of the matter is, I do often enjoy her mischievous nature.  ; )


Q: I would like to know if Michael wonders if you reading other blogs is in any way a bad influence on you?  Or is it more the other way around?  Him getting too many “ideas.”  lol  :) - Dee

A: Actually, I think it’s been a good thing.  Reading other blogs has helped Grace not to feel alone in this.  And yes, it has given us some ideas, but that’s helpful too (Grace may or may not agree with that, lol).  More importantly I think that it has given us both some insight into ttwd by reading about others experiences.


Q:  1. We women need to talk about DD with each other (all the time).  It helps us process everything.  You guys don’t seem to need that very much.  How do you process it and where do you find the strength to lead?  2. What is the hardest part of DD for you?  Is there anything that makes you wonder if this is too hard? - Susie

A: 1. First, I think a big part of it is just a difference between men and women.  I process things internally and with Grace.  As for finding the strength to lead, the more Grace is willing to submit, the easier it is for me to step up and lead.  I also draw strength from encouragement, both from her and from the growth I see in our relationship and how much closer we’ve become.  Another aspect is honestly that it just feels right.  2.  I’d say the hardest part of DD for me is being consistent.  Also, while we’ve incorporated erotic spanking and D/s into our relationship for a long time now, discipline can be hard for me to administer.  I don’t like to think that I’m causing my wife pain, but I know that the long term results are worth the short term discomfort.  As for whether anything ever makes me think that ttwd is too hard, only when Grace is having a really hard time with it.  When she’s finding it hard to submit and fighting me there’s a part of me that is tempted to give this up and walk away from it.  However, I know that if I follow through, perhaps at times needing to change my approach, we’ll both be better off for it and happier afterward.


Q: What are your favorite “implements”, and what things have you tried that DIDN’T work? – Mischief Manager

A: Finally!  An easy question!  lol  Above all, my favorite is my hand.  I like the closeness and it’s easier to judge how hard I’m hitting.   If my hand is getting sore and I’m not concerned about noise, the small curved wooden paddle with holes in it is very efficient.   However, I often need to use something a bit quieter.  I’d say my favorite quieter implement is the wooden spoon.  It gets my point across nicely.  *big grin*  Another favorite quiet implement is the mini blind rod.  It gets Grace’s attention very quickly because of how much it stings.  The only downside is that they break easily.  As for epic failures, cheap implements such as riding crops and ping pong paddles delivered less than satisfactory results and frankly weren’t worth the time or money.


Q: Hi Michael, 1. We (submissive wives) all know, or should know, that men do not like us to be disrespectful.  What things bother you the most in that regard?  Can you tell us how it makes you feel?  2. Was it really hard to punish Grace the first time, and if so, how did you overcome that difficulty?  If not, then what do you think made it easier for you? - Elysia

A: 1. You’re correct, respect is very important to men.  The biggest thing that bothers me is when Grace tells me that I don’t love her.  I know she doesn’t mean it and she knows she doesn’t mean it.  It’s a bad habit that we’re working hard to break.  As for how it makes me feel when she’s disrespectful, it’s hurtful.  And there’s a certain visceral reaction I have.  It’s almost like being punched in the gut.  It takes the wind out of me and makes me feel disheartened.  2. I have a yes and no kind of answer for you.  Taking it to that level was difficult, disciplining her I mean.  However, I think our history with erotic spanking and D/s did make it easier.  In other words, while I was used to spanking her, I wasn’t used to using it as a means of discipline.


Q: We just started DD a month ago.  My husband finds it hard to sound assertive.  He says things like, “If it’s ok with you…” or “ if you feel like it…” I really need him to sound sure of himself.  It doesn’t sound like you struggle with this.  Do you have any advice?  When he asks me to do something, I show him I’m eager to do anything he wants.  I’ve told him that if he asks me to do something and there’s a problem, I will speak up.  He says he’s trying.  I don’t want to frustrate him, but I’m so frustrated! – Learning to Iron

A: Start off small.  If he has you do small tasks and you follow through on them, it will build his confidence.  If it helps, there’s also the concept of “fake it, until you make it.”  What I mean by that is that he could think of it as role play, just to stretch those dominant muscles.  It may allow him to get out of himself, get out of his own way. Tell him to picture himself as a leader and to think about what qualities a leader possesses.  You said that you’ve only been doing DD for a month now.  Realize that it takes time.  It sounds like this is a big change for him and realistically, for both of you.  Slow down, lower your expectations.  It’s tempting to want it all and to want it now, but you’ll reap the rewards of working at this together and giving him room to grow.  I do also want to say that I agree with Florida Dom, who commented to you already, that a safeword may be helpful in your situation.  If you decide to go that route, he needs to know that he can do anything unless that word is used.  That may help him be more comfortable in stepping up because it helps to alleviate the fear of going too far.  You also need to be prepared to use the word if things start to go in that direction, otherwise there’s no point in having a safeword to begin with. 

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