A Bit of This & A Bit of That
The Q & A with Michael was interesting. Thanks to those of you who participated! Several of his responses brought a smile to my face. However, there were some things that made me feel very small...like when he talked about me saying that he doesn’t love me. And when he talked about how it makes him feel when I disrespect him. And then there was the part about how it’s hard for him to administer discipline and how a part of him feels like throwing in the DD towel when I fight him and really struggle with submitting. But, then I come back to how he said that I’m too hard on myself.
It ended up being a three day weekend for Michael, which was great. But as wonderful as our weekend was, I managed to earn myself some discipline. I was being…mouthy. I was just playing around really, being mischievous. I think it would’ve been okay if I’d had some respect for that line in the sand.
Hmmm…respect. It seems that I’m still trying to wrap my head around how important that is to Michael. In the Q & A he said that when I disrespect him it feels like he’s been punched in the gut, that it takes the wind out of him and makes him feel disheartened. As his wife, that’s hard to hear. I’m often guilty of getting carried away. You know that saying, go big or go home? Um…yeah…if I’m on a roll, forget it. I don’t mean to hurt my husband. I don’t want to hurt him. I mean, if I wanted him to feel like he’d been punched in the gut, I’d just punch him! (sometimes a little levity is needed, no? lol)
I tried to wriggle my way out of discipline, but that wasn’t going to happen. And honestly, that’s probably a good thing. I used to like being spanked…but that was when it was for erotic purposes. Now, I don’t know how I feel about it. As my husband loves to point out, it still arouses me. But, discipline and even maintenance are so different from erotic spanking. I think part of it the loss of control. When it was erotic I was generally pulling the strings, even if it might not have seemed that way. But now I don’t even have the illusion of doing so. The only control I have over it is that I can make things worse on myself by exhibiting bad behavior. I try very hard not to do that…though it does happen. In fact, sometimes I act up just when he’s about to stop. Is it because unconsciously I know that I need more? I don’t want more! But it does seem that's what I need.
We talked about my to do list this weekend, but he’s not really overseeing it at this point. Though he’ll occasionally ask me how I’m doing with my list or with a specific thing, he’s basically just helping me to maintain my focus. I have to say that while I thought I needed him to micromanage me a bit (and I hate even the sound of that), I’m hopeful now that won’t be necessary. I think what I needed the most was some time with him all to myself. I needed to talk about things, to de-stress a bit, to reconnect…time for us to just enjoy one another’s company. Friday was long overdue. When we were having dinner I asked him when the last time we enjoyed a day like that together was…neither of us could remember. Life has been busy and stressful and often any down time we’ve had has been spent with friends and/or family. While that’s important and enjoyable too, we really need to make sure we spend time with each other…just the two of us.
When I got up yesterday morning all the things that I need to get done, take care of, this week, the week before Christmas, started to come into my mind. I started to feel a little overwhelmed at first. But, then I just broke things down by task, what was the most important, what needed to get done before other things could get done, what could wait until later in the week, etc. And I figured out what things I wanted to get done yesterday and took one thing at a time. And guess what? I managed to get it all done. I’m going to tackle today the same way and tomorrow and the next day, etc.
I’m not sure how much I’ll be posting this week, especially later in the week. I’m sure that you’re all pretty busy right now too. Christmas preparations are in full swing for most of us, along with the everyday busyness of life. I’m sure I’ll post again before Christmas, but just in case I don’t, I want to wish you all a very Merry Christmas…and for those of you who celebrate another holiday this time of the year, I hope it’s wonderful too. :)