Ok, I know that ttwd works for us. At this point, that’s pretty apparent. I like what the D/s structure has done for our relationship and I appreciate how the DD aspect keeps us connected and on track.
So, why do I find myself rebelling sometimes? I can go from feeling great about everything to questioning the whole thing in no time. Am I rebelling against Michael? Well, yes, in a sense. Am I rebelling against ttwd, D/s, DD? Yup. But mostly I think I’m rebelling against myself.
There’s an inner struggle, a war that I wage inside myself sometimes. Does this sound familiar to any of you: “This is ridiculous! I’m an adult! I shouldn’t need this! I don’t need this!” (that's in my head btw, not me yelling at Michael)
Surprisingly enough those thoughts may be preceded by thoughts of how well things have been going. I’ll start to think that I don’t really need this because things are going smoothly. What I’m failing to realize at the time is that things have been going so well because of ttwd. Or those kinds of thoughts may be preceded by that out of sorts feeling and the realization that what I probably need is to be spanked. Just thinking that is hard, typing it is harder, and admitting it and asking for it is really hard. I don’t want to admit to myself that I need to be spanked sometimes, much less anyone else. It brings up a whole swell of emotions, ranging from things like a secure, happy feeling because I know Michael will help me and I’ll feel better afterward, to those thoughts about being a grown woman and not needing such things. Wanting a spanking, an erotic spanking, seems ok somehow…maybe a little kinky, but I’m ok with that. Needing a spanking, well, that seems, um, well…ya know, I’ve never really thought of myself as an insecure person, but the fact of the matter is, I’m insecure about this.
I don’t think Michael really understands. It seems so black and white to him I think, so clear. It works, we do it, end of story. No need to worry about it, analyze it, etc. Is this because he’s a man or because he’s the one spanking, not the one being spanked? I really wonder. I know I’m not the only wife in this corner of blogland who has trouble admitting this “need.” See those quotes? I put them there to make me (and the other women) feel better about that word. Kinda silly, huh? *sigh*
Any input is appreciated, whether it’s to commiserate or give insight or whatever!