DD versus Erotic
For a long time the only spanking going on in our relationship was of the erotic variety. Oh, sometimes there were little scenarios or scenes, perhaps some pretend offense had occurred and I was being punished…but even then it wasn’t actual discipline.
Then along came DD. We experimented with it a number of years ago and while some of the aspects of the lifestyle kind of stuck, sort of, a little bit, somewhat…the discipline spankings themselves didn’t. We reverted back to erotic spankings and that was fine with both of us. I mean, it wasn’t something we’d decided on exactly. We didn’t actually talk about it. We just kind of let it happen. DD sort of faded away, a little at a time, a few faint flickers of it seen every now and then, and, for the most part, things went back to the way they’d been before we’d discovered DD.
Yesterday I posted Spanko or Spank-no and in it I admitted that I’m a spanko. But, I got to thinking about that and realized that it may not seem that way to some of you. Even to me, sometimes now, it doesn’t seem that way. Hmmm…what has changed? Well, a few things I guess.
First of all, I’ve been a hormonal mess lately. My cycles are totally off and I’m pretty sure I’m perimenopausal. Yay. (note the distinct lack of enthusiasm)
Secondly, I’ve always felt like I’ve had at least a modicum of control over spankings…whether I was spanked or not, how hard, how long, with what, in what position, etc. Even fairly recently I still kind of felt that way. But now I can’t really say that’s the case. He’s spanked me whether I wanted him to at the time or not, whether I felt I needed it or not and he’s spanked for however long, however hard, with whatever he’s wanted, and with me in whatever position he’s wanted me in. I’ve had a hard time adjusting to this new reality. I’ve had a harder time submitting to being spanked as well as holding still and keeping my position. Why? Well, because it requires actually submitting, not just going along with what I really wanted anyway.
Last night for instance, I struggled with submitting and tried to talk my way out of it. He wasn’t having it. His mind was already made up. Once I was over his knee I kept kicking my legs up, so he put his leg over mine, holding them down. My hands were under his other leg, but at one point I managed to pull one free and threw it back, trying to either block my bottom or grab the wooden spoon he was using. I think I caught him off guard.
You know better than that! Don’t you?
It was more a statement than a question, but I answered him anyway, albeit slowly.
And why aren’t you allowed to put your hands back?
*sigh* I really didn’t want to answer his questions. I wanted to get up. I wanted this to be over with. I knew that wasn’t going to happen though and I even knew that it wasn’t a good idea for him to stop now, even if I didn’t want to admit it.
So that I don’t get hurt.
That’s right. Now get your hand back under my leg and keep it there!
I put my hand back in place and he started spanking again. There had been no warm up, at least not if you ask me, and he’d barely said anything to me. I wasn’t handling this whole thing very well and if he had any question about that he found that out after he let me up. I grabbed the wooden spoon that he’d been using and had laid on the bed and I threw it into the corner of the room. He was less than happy with me and told me to shuffle my way over to the corner to get it and bring it back to him. Oh, the shuffling business was because I still had my pj bottoms on. He’d pulled them down to just above my knees to spank me and when I stood up they’d fallen around my ankles. I pouted, but I did as I’d been told, hesitating before I handed him the spoon. Then he had me turn to the side and bend forward, my hands on my knees and he started spanking me with the spoon again. After several swats he told me to grab my ankles and he continued spanking me. I wonder if he’d planned to stop after the otk spanking. He hadn’t spanked me in either of these positions before. The worst part was that I knew I had no one to blame, it was my own fault, my own doing. Michael didn’t waver. You know, it seems like the more I struggle, the more he steps up and takes control. And I’m still trying to figure out what to make of this new dynamic.
And as Michael has stepped up with ttwd, with maintenance and discipline, erotic spankings have sort of fallen by the wayside. Well, actually, that’s not exactly true. While I can't think of a purely erotic spanking lately, there have been many times when the lines between the two have become a bit blurred, when things have started out with maintenance or discipline and progressed to something much more erotic at some point. I don’t see a problem with that. I quite enjoy it when this happens, but, even then, he really is still the one in control. You see, when the spankings were purely erotic, I was really the one pulling the strings, and we both knew it. I basically topped from the bottom. He’d always been more concerned about pleasing me and gaining his pleasure whilst doing so than being the one in control of the situation and at the time it worked for both of us…well, mostly anyway. It was pretty playful really...not that it couldn't be intense at times.
I guess that’s the part I see missing right now…that playful aspect. Things have taken on a more serious undertone and in some ways that’s probably a good thing. I think at this point I’d be tempted to go too far, to push my limits, to perhaps, um, pole vault over that line in the sand. *sheepish grin* But, I do hope at some point that more playful aspect returns. Maybe we need to flirt with the idea of some purely erotic spankings again. No, I’m not saying in place of maintenance and discipline, but in addition. Wait, let me think about that…if he’s already spanking me every day that he’s home that would mean more than one spanking a day. Ok, um, I don’t know about that…maybe a little erotic in place of some maintenance? Hmmm, I’m not sure he’d go for that…and, in truth, it may not be a good idea right now anyway. I’m afraid I might take advantage of it. Maybe I just need to be patient and let things work out on their own. We’re still learning and growing and it wasn’t long ago that we had a huge bump in the road…actually, I think it was more like a crevice we fell into and had to climb back out of. Anyway, I’m not so sure that I want to rock the boat right now. Maybe I’ll just take my husband’s advice, or what I imagine his advice would be, and chill out, letting things happen instead of always worrying and trying to orchestrate everything.