Coming Full Circle
What a rough patch we’ve been going through. But, last night we talked…a lot. Actually, it started off with me sending Michael an email. Yes, he was home, but I needed to try to communicate my thoughts and feelings and I just wasn’t going to be able to do that, or at least start the conversation, unless I wrote it out.
When I had asked him what he wanted, he replied that he wanted me to be happy, that he wanted to be able to give me what I needed to be happy, but that he wasn’t always sure what that was. This was not the sort of answer I was expecting when I’d asked the question. I was thinking he was going to tell me that he wanted me to be submissive to him, etc. I honestly didn’t even know how to reply to him and so we’d just left it at that for the time being. I knew he wanted an answer though and I needed to think about it…I mean really think about it. He didn’t want a trite answer, he wanted to know what I needed, what I wanted, deep down.
So, I put the subject of the email as “What I Need” and started writing. In it, I admitted that it was hard for me to communicate my wants and needs to him sometimes, for several reasons. Sometimes it’s as simple as me not knowing or being sure myself. Other times it’s a little more complicated. Sometimes I do know, but I’m embarrassed or even ashamed to admit it. This can be because I’m afraid of being so open and vulnerable and I’m not sure how he’s going to react, or because I haven’t really given myself permission to feel the way I do. And there are other times when it’s hard for me to communicate how I feel because I don’t want to take over, try to run the ship, tell him what to do. Yes, I realize that my needs and wants should be communicated, but I don’t want to put my wants/needs above his either.
After trying to explain myself I knew I needed to answer his question. What do I want? He phrased it what do I need, but to me, need is such a strong word. The things in life that I truly need are few and have nothing to do with ttwd. But, I knew what he was getting at, and so I tried to give him an answer.
I told him that I loved him…that I loved him more than he would ever, could ever, know. And then I told him that I either didn’t want DD at all or that I needed him to be consistent. I told him that I love how I feel so much closer to him and loved and cared for and taken care of...and that I love how much happier he seems to be, and how it pleases him for me to submit and obey. I admitted to him that I crave his control and wish he’d take over more…that just thinking about it, typing it out, made my heartbeat quicken. But, I told him that I also had concerns... that I'm afraid that maybe I'm looking for something that's unattainable or unrealistic or even something that maybe in the end wouldn't end up being good for either of us. And as I started to think about what I’d just poured out, I started feeling anxious. I told him that I didn’t know and that I was afraid of what he’d think of this…what he’d think of me. I told him that I was just going to stop there and we could talk if he wanted. I resisted the urge to reread what I’d written and clicked send before I could change my mind.
After we got the kids off to bed, Michael sat down at the computer, saw the email from me and read it. My skin was crawling. I wanted to hide under a rock…especially when he wanted to talk. I felt so open, so exposed, so vulnerable. I wouldn’t even look at him. Michael did most of the talking. He told me how much he loves me and thanked me for sending the email, for opening up to him. He said that he felt bad for me because I’m having trouble accepting this part of me, accepting myself really. He said it must be very hard to feel that way. He told me that I had nothing to be ashamed of, that there’s nothing wrong with how I feel or what I want. He said that he’s seen me at my best and he’s seen me at my worst and that I shouldn’t feel like I ever have to hide anything from him. He asked, if I couldn’t be open, honest and vulnerable with him, who could I be that way with? It wasn’t really a question needing an answer, but something for me to think about. I let him soothe me. I soaked in his warmth, his strength, his certainty, and let it calm me. I knew how much he loved me and cared about me. I knew he wanted me to be happy and that he would fight for me, for us. I knew that I could count on him.
We sat and snuggled for a little while, watching something on tv, though I couldn’t even tell you what. Then we went up to bed, where I thought we’d snuggle some more and fall asleep. But Michael felt that something else was needed. He wanted my submission. He wanted me to know that he felt that ttwd was what was best for us. And he wanted to make sure that we were unquestionably, back on track. There were lots of tender caresses, firm smacks and instructions I was expected to follow. Things culminated with him on top of me, his masculinity buried deep within. We collapsed on the bed together and he held me and spoke to me, filling my head and touching my heart with affirmations of love. It wasn’t long before we were both sound asleep, cuddled up with one another, a sense of peace and happiness in our hearts.
So, how do I feel about things today? Fine actually. Good, even. I think we’ve come full circle. The past few days aren’t something I’d wish on anyone, but I think we’re stronger for having gone through them. I still need to work on accepting myself…accepting what I desire and giving myself permission to feel how I feel without judging myself. And I need to let go a little, let us both grow in this together and stop putting so much pressure on things. And the best part? I know that Michael will be right there by my side, helping me along the way. : )