After the Perfect Storm

If you haven’t read my post from yesterday, I suggest taking a peek before reading this one.

When I left off in my last post, I was waiting for Michael to come home and wondering if he was indeed going to spank me.  I wasn’t sure how I felt about that, but I wanted this to be over, to clear the air and move on.

Well, when he came home he had the kids come outside and help him with some stuff.  I was tired and not feeling great.  I think I was just emotionally spent and I hadn’t gotten the best night’s sleep the night before.  I went upstairs to our bedroom, closed the doors, closed the curtains, snuggled in under the covers and took a nap.  I was feeling a bit better when I got up and came downstairs.  I looked at the clock and realized that we needed to have some dinner if we were going to make it to church on time (our church has their adult Bible study classes on Wed nights as well as a kids program and teen youth group).  Michael and the kids were still outside, so I called them in for dinner and heated up some leftovers.  After dinner it was time to head to church.  I was looking forward to seeing friends and getting my mind off the stuff between Michael and I.  And let me tell you, it helped a lot. 

When we got home the kids went to bed.  Michael wanted to relax and watch a little tv and asked me to join him.  After a short while of watching television together, I had something to say.

                Michael, of course it’s up to you, but I don’t think I really need you to spank me tonight.

He looked at me and replied…

                Yeah, I think you’re over it now.

And he was right, or at least I thought so at the time.  I felt better, calmer, like I had moved past the events that had taken place between us.  But, when Michael fell asleep next to me on the couch, my mood started to change and I started thinking about things.  It wasn’t that long ago that he had told me that he was going to spank me every day that he was home.  Yet, he hadn’t.  Why had I been worrying about this every day thing?  I felt stupid.  All these emotions started welling up inside me.  I thought to myself that I should’ve known that this DD thing would be a commitment he was unwilling to keep.  He wanted me to follow through, be submissive, obey, but he didn’t seem to have to keep his word.  Whether I wanted a spanking or not wasn’t the point.  Either he does what he says he’s going to do or he doesn’t.  If he’s not going to follow through, then I don’t want this.  I’m done.

The reality was that my emotions were still high due to what had happened the previous night.  I started to shut down emotionally.  I got up and got ready for bed.  I gave him a kiss, said goodnight and headed upstairs.  I wasn’t sure whether he’d follow me or fall back asleep on the couch and I didn’t really know which I hoped for, or if I even cared.  By the time he came up I wasn’t too far from sleep, convinced that he had probably fallen back asleep on the couch.  I’ll be honest with you, some of what happened next is a blur.  I was worn out, had been almost asleep and had pretty much checked out by then.  He wanted to know what was wrong.  I ended up grabbing my pillow and heading back downstairs, but I was upset and restless.  I couldn’t bring myself to even sit down anywhere, much less curl up on the couch and fall asleep.  I paced around the house not knowing what to do.  Yeah, I was a wreck alright.

I opened up the note app on my phone and wrote some words that described how I was feeling…hopeless, worthless, insufficient, etc.  And then I went upstairs.  Michael hadn’t moved an inch since I’d left the bedroom.  I think he too was trying to decide what to do next.  I handed him my phone so he could read what I’d written.  I think he was surprised.  He told me how much he loved me and asked me some questions. I’d answer him by writing things on my phone and handing it to him for him to read.  That may seem strange to you…that I wouldn’t talk to him that is, that I was writing back to him with him sitting on the bed right next to me.  Well, that goes to show you just how withdrawn I was at that point emotionally.  There was a huge wall up between us by now.  I didn’t want to leave things as they were, but I couldn’t even bring myself to speak.  This has happened before in our marriage, but it’s a very rare occurrence, thankfully.

There came a point when Michael had made up his mind.  He’d decided what needed to be done and was prepared to do it.  He explained his reasons and told me that he was going to spank me now.  I totally freaked out.  It put me into a panic and I was immediately angry.  At this point, I’d already decided that I was through with DD and that was final.    He told me that wasn’t a decision we were going to make when I was upset and that he had figured I was going to fight him on this.  He was right too.  There were several minutes that didn’t go well at all and we found ourselves at a standoff.  

I realized that I was on the edge of an emotional cliff and that I didn’t want to jump off and I didn’t want to be pushed off.  I realized that I needed to be reeled back in.  I needed him to reel me back in.  I asked him, yes, I actually spoke and asked him if he was intent on spanking me.  Yes.  I asked if there was anything I could do or say to change his mind.  No.  I told him that he wasn’t going to be able to force me, that if he tried to force me I’d fight him with all that I had within me.  I knew that he didn’t want to force me anyway.  He wanted me to submit, but he knew I was having a really hard time.  I told him that he needed to expect me to do it on my own, but that I needed him to have some patience with me.  And I admitted that I would probably need his help. 

He understood what I was saying and told me to stand before him and put my hands behind my head.  I stood where he wanted, but I didn’t move my hands.  So he put them where he wanted them.  But, I didn’t keep them there.  He started to reach for them to put them back behind my head, but I put them on his shoulders and asked if I could keep them there instead.  He said yes and then started pulling and twisting on my nipples.  It was incredibly hard for me to allow him to do that and I struggled with it, a lot.  Next he had me spread my legs and he reached between them, running a finger through my wetness, stopping to rub the sensitive little nub.  I had all I could do to allow this.  I was barely restraining myself.  I was still far from calm.  As his hands roamed over me, he started talking to me, telling me how much he loved me and reminding me that I’m his, all of me.  He asked me if this was the hardest time I’d ever had submitting to him and I answered him honestly…yes, without question, yes.

Then he had me kneel before him.  He told me why he was going to spank me, how much better things were between us since we started doing ttwd, how much he loved me and that he didn’t want to spank me, but that he felt it’s what was needed to get us back on track.  He apologized for the part he’d played in this whole thing, in the events of the past couple of days, and he then told me to get into position…on my hands and knees on the bed.  I had calmed down some by this point, but I still didn’t want to be spanked.  But, more than that, I didn’t want to make things any worse than they already had gotten.  I wanted things to be right between us again and so I got into position and held my place while he used the rod and wooden spoon on me.  He varied the placement of strokes, the frequency and the pressure and he’d stop every now and then to rub my bottom.  It was pretty intense, but he didn’t go overboard.   When he was done he had me stand, legs spread, bent over with my hands on my dresser.  He left me like that for a few minutes and then he wanted to reconnect in a different way, a much more pleasurable way for both of us.  Afterward we were both spent, physically and emotionally.  He cuddled me and told me over and over how much he loved me and before long we were both fast asleep.

I’m feeling a lot better about things today, although I admit that I am still feeling a bit shaken about the events of the past couple of days.  One of the things he told me was that he didn’t understand why I got so upset, so quickly.  I told him that it was because it wasn’t just about what happened on any particular day, it was more of a culmination of things. 

And I also told him how it makes me feel when he says he’s going to spank me and doesn’t.  It makes me feel needy, like it’s too much of me to ask of him, like it’s not important to him, like I’m not important to him.  I may not actually want the spanking at the time, but I need him to follow through with what he says he’s going to do.  I can’t allow myself to be so vulnerable if I don’t feel that I can trust him to keep his word.  I explained that there was something else at play here also.  There were times in the past, too many times, when he would have me convinced that we were going to be intimate that evening and then he either failed to initiate anything later or he’d fail to follow through if I initiated anything.  And that played a role in my emotions as well.  I had been so hurt by that so many times and this was like the same thing all over again, it brought me right back to that same place, those same feelings.  Only this time it hurt even more and I just couldn’t bear it.  He was glad that I’d told him and he apologized profusely.

I guess time will tell if things are back on track.  It was hard for me to write about all of this; it was kind of like reliving it.  But, it was good for me to write about it too.  I think it helped me process what happened.  Part of me feels like I don’t want to share this kind of stuff, but the truth is that things aren’t always sunshine and roses in any relationship.  Anyway, today has been a good day and I’m thankful for that.

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