*sigh*

I’m beginning to realize just how controlling, condescending, impatient and sarcastic I can be and I’m ashamed of myself.  I had no idea how bad my attitude had become. 

It’s kind of like gaining weight I guess.  It’s amazing how many pounds you can put on before you realize, wow, I really need to lose weight!  Sometimes it’s a look in the mirror or a glance in a store window as you walk by or you see a picture of yourself.  And all of the sudden you’re shocked at what you see.  It’s not like those extra pounds suddenly appeared, you just never really noticed it or paid that much attention before.

It’s been this change of focus after starting DD that has made me more aware of my attitude.  And I don’t mean only the things I say, but how I say them.  Not only the things I do, but how I do them.  And at the very core, it’s how I think and feel about things.  Wow.

You’re more than feelings.  Your feelings belong to you.  Control them.  Manage them.  Don’t let them rule you.  Don’t live by how you feel.  Live by the word of God. – Joyce Meyer

I guess I’ve been living by my feelings, at least to a certain extent.  And my feelings have largely gone unnoticed and unchecked.  They’ve basically been an unconscious force guiding my life.  Yikes.

There have been so many times lately when something escapes my lips and immediately after I say it or even as it’s coming out I realize how I sound, what I’m really saying, and the attitude that I obviously am saying it with.  Sometimes though I don’t even realize it until Michael is giving me that look.  There’s a big change that needs to take place and it needs to start in my heart and in my thoughts and then be reflected in my words and my actions. 

I’ve always had a quick wit and a sarcastic sense of humor.  That’s what I grew up with and it didn’t take me long to realize that there was a certain admiration or respect for someone who could play the game…someone who could take it and dish it out.  I’ve never been someone to shy away from a challenge or to let anyone walk all over me and I became really good at the game.  And I was pretty proud of that fact too.  I never really saw that it could be hurtful.  It was all in jest after all!  All in good fun!

I think I also started to use sarcasm as a way to keep anyone from seeing the real me or at least any of the rest of me, like the introspective, sometimes lonely, not necessarily always happy, sometimes insecure me.  Ok, before you get the image of the clown with tears, that’s not really me either.  But, it’s true that I have buried feelings, not dealt with things, and covered it up with sarcasm.

Problem is, as much as I want to change, and am genuinely trying to change, it’s hard and kind of scary too.  I mean, who am I if I’m not that boisterous woman.  I mean, I’m known to be nice and helpful and other things too, but I doubt those are the things that would come to mind first to many who know me.  And, as much as I like that side of me, dare I say, it seems kind of boring.  Do I want to be the “nice, sweet Christian woman?”  Can’t I be the “nice, sweet, boisterous Christian woman?” 

I guess I’m scared of losing that fun loving side of myself and I realize that I shouldn’t have to, but I’m really not sure how to extricate it from the grasp of that sarcastic attitude.  *sigh*

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