Disappointed

The kids were going to their grandparents for the weekend.  I was excited.  Michael and I had plans for Saturday, involving friends.  And we planned to take some time for just the two of us on Sunday.

Well, things didn’t really work out that way.  We had a great day on Saturday, but there never ended up being any time for just us on Sunday.  Our friends needed some help with a project and so we spent Sunday helping them.  By the time we were done it was time to go pick up the kids.


I was very disappointed.  It’s not that I regret helping our friends.  I was glad that we were able to help them out.  But, we’d had this weekend planned for awhile and it’s rare that we have time without either of the kids around.  I’d really been looking forward to it.


On our way to pick up the kids I started distancing myself from Michael emotionally.  I was really quiet and he asked me if I was mad at him.  No, I told him.  Now, if he’d asked me if I was upset, then I would’ve said yes.  But, I wasn’t really mad at him, so I said no.  I was just upset with the situation.  Later, I tried to explain how I was feeling because he was getting upset with me.  He doesn’t like it when something is obviously bothering me and I won’t talk to him about it.  So, I told him that I was disappointed because I had really been looking forward to some time alone with him.  He said that he was sorry that we hadn’t gotten that time together, and that he hadn’t realized how much I’d been looking forward to it.  Oh…ok.  That made me think that maybe he hadn’t been looking forward to it as much as I’d been…that maybe it wasn’t that important to him.  By now I was feeling really hurt.


Besides looking forward to having some time for just us I’d also had discipline hanging over my head since Thursday.  He said he’d be taking care of that on Sunday.  Now, did I really want discipline?  No, in fact I’d been kind of nervous about it.  But if Michael fails to follow through with what he says he’s going to do, well, it leaves me in a not so good place emotionally.  And he actually never even mentioned the discipline.  Honestly, I think he forgot about it.  I certainly wasn’t going to bring it up.  It should’ve made me happy, him forgetting about discipline, right?  I mean, that meant I had gotten out of it.  But, instead it just feels like he’s backed out of his part of the bargain.  That he’s not holding up his end of the deal.  And, in my mind, at this point, he’s missed his chance.  That ship has sailed and he wasn’t on it…so long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, adieu.  


And then I think to myself, if he doesn’t have to hold up his end of the bargain, why should I be expected to hold up mine?  I don’t know…part of me still wants to be submissive and please him and doesn’t want him to be upset with me…and then there’s this other part of me that says all bets are off.  I’m not really sure where we go from here.  I guess we shall see…

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