Bumpy Roads Ahead

This post is a little long, so I apologize in advance for that, but I ended up combining a couple of posts I wrote.  I decided that if I was going to share, then I needed to do it this way.

Post 1…which I wrote yesterday, adding to it throughout the day…

It’s the little things

I didn’t text Michael this morning (I’m supposed to text him every morning when I get up and he’s not home…even if he’s not away for work he usually gets up really early…or as we call it, stupid early).  It’s not that I forgot to text him.  I just decided not to. 

Texting him is such a little thing.  But, it’s something he wants me to do, something he expects me to do.  This morning I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.  I guess I’m still processing the weekend.  I’m not mad at him, just disappointed and hurt.  And it seemed like if I texted him like normal that meant that everything was fine, when it's not.  And yeah, there’s also that part of me that was thinking that if he didn’t have to follow through with discipline, then why should I have to follow through with texting him?  Yeah.  That’s the part of me that gets the rest of me in trouble.

Speaking of trouble, fast forward to this afternoon and Michael sent me this email: So...I feel bad about yesterday, and yes, I did forget about what you had coming.  I can only presume after reading this and your lack of a text this morning that you are being willfully disobedient.  While I understand why, it needs to be addressed.  We will talk later.  I love you!

Crap.  Now what do I do?  He’ll be home tonight.  And while I do think that we need to talk about some stuff, I’m not so sure that a discussion is really what he has in mind when he mentions me being willfully disobedient and that it needs to be addressed.  He might be talking…me…let’s just hope I’m not counting.

What did I expect to happen when I didn’t text him?  I guess I wasn’t really thinking about that.  Crap.  Crap.  Crap.

*deep breath*  Ok, let’s not get carried away.  It will probably be several hours yet before he’s home.  I don’t need to spend the rest of my day worrying about later.  (and yes, I’m talking myself down here)  Time to get off of the computer and do some laundry or dishes or clean the bathroom or something to distract myself…note to self: reading other people’s dd blogs is not going to help right now!

So, it’s now 6pm.  I managed to distract myself for awhile.  I’m not sure what time Michael will be home.  He hasn’t said and I haven’t asked.  I have that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach though.  I’m worried about later.  Is he going to be mad at me, disappointed in me, will he be understanding, but want to set things right, will he really just want to talk things through?  I have no idea.  And what state am I going to have myself in by the time he gets home?  Ugh.

10:30pm and he’s home and falling asleep on the couch.  I know he didn’t get much sleep last night and he’s had a really long day.  But, at the same time, I think he just doesn’t want to deal with it either…it being me.  That’s ok, I understand.  *deep sigh*

Michael and I went to bed shortly after that.  At around 1am, when I couldn’t sleep and he was sound asleep, I got up and wrote this…

DD - the best and the worst thing that ever happened to my marriage

The best thing while it lasted because it brought us together.  We became closer, more intimate with one another than we’d been in years.  It was almost like we were dating again, but with all those years and experiences already under our belts.  The walls that had been built over time were crumbling…my heart was happy.

And the worst thing because when it ended it drove a wedge between us.  Things hurt a lot more when you’d been invested, when your heart had been on your sleeve, when you felt so close, when you had that sense of security, when your heart had been happy.

I’m working on being resigned to it instead of upset about it though.  I mean, it’s not like we didn’t live for years without it.  And I guess we gave it the old college try.  Can we go on and pretend that we never lived this way?  Yeah, I imagine so, it just might take a little while to get over the hurt, to get back to the status quo.  It makes me sad, but I’ve been sad about things before and I’ll get over it.  Mind you, I’m not blaming him…I’m blaming us.  And I’m hoping that we can move forward from this without making one another too miserable.  Seems like a small thing to hope for, but it’s the best I can do right now.

Goodbye blogland…even though the ride was short, it was fun while it lasted.  Thanks for making me feel so welcome and I wish you the best on your journey.

*sigh*  After I finished writing that last one I emailed both blog posts to Michael.  I was worried about his reaction and said as much in the email, but I sent them to him anyway.  This morning Michael and I were lying in bed awake (he’s home today), needing to get up soon, but not really wanting to leave the comfy bed just yet.  Things were awkward between us, there was a distance there.  He seemed like he wanted to talk about things, so I told him it would probably be good if he read my email first.  He told me to stay put and he’d be right back…he was going to read it right then.  So I waited, wondering what he was going to say when he came back, how he would feel about what I’d written.
When he came back we started talking.  What I found out was that his confidence was worn down.  He was upset with himself for forgetting on Sunday and for hurting me.  He’d been looking forward to spending time together too.  We talked for awhile, and I’m not going to pretend that the conversation was smooth sailing because it wasn’t.  I had already put up that wall and wasn’t keen on it being torn down.  And of course his agenda was tearing down that wall.

After talking for awhile about how we both felt, where we were both coming from, etc. he decided it was time to get things back on track.   Now, mind you, I was really struggling inside by this point.  I didn’t want to give up that closeness that we’d gained, but I didn’t want to open myself up to being hurt again either.  But, off came my clothes, out came the rod and over the stack of pillows I went.  He wasn’t too harsh with me, but didn’t go too lightly either.  When he was done he pulled me up and found that while those walls weren’t as high anymore, they were still there.  He talked to me some more and then made me stand with my legs spread and my hands behind my head as his hands and mouth wandered.  He told me that he was reclaiming what was his, that he was sorry about the weekend and that he understood why I was upset, but that things couldn’t stay this way, that he wouldn’t allow that.  I struggled between holding my place and submitting to him, and protesting, trying to push him away or move away myself.  He calmly put me back into position each time I moved and told me that if I kept this sort of behavior up he could get me a collar with d rings that he could fasten my hands to, to keep them in place.  *gulp*  That got my attention and I managed to stay in place for him.  After a few minutes he stopped and talked to me some more, reminding me of why we’re doing this and promised me some time together tonight after the kids are in bed.

I will say that I’m feeling better…still a little unsure, a little out of sorts yet, but better.  This afternoon, with a smirk on my face, I told him that I would allow this, but that he was on probation.  He laughed with mischief in his eyes.  I hope we’re headed back on track.  I’m still feeling pretty vulnerable emotionally and I have some bricks at the ready (I'm a very accomplished builder after all).  He seems intent on making me forget what a brick is.  We shall see what tonight brings.


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