A Look in the Mirror

As I look at the marks left on my bottom I can’t help but think…I am his.  We’re doing this…for real this time.  Things may not always go as planned, but that’s just an unintended detour, it doesn’t mean we’ve abandoned the journey altogether.

He surprised me last night.  I’d asked him earlier in the day if there was going to be maintenance later and he grinned and said, of course!  And perhaps you’ll be a super hero again tonight too...much bigger grin.  (this is what he was referencing)

What?  No!  I mean, there’s no need for that!  You don’t really want to do that, do you?

I don’t know…maybe.  That grin had turned into a smirk.

Hmmph.  Me and my big mouth.  Why did I have to ask him about maintenance and get him thinking about such things?  I hadn’t even thought about the plug!  When I asked him about maintenance I was hoping he was going to say no.  I’d already had plenty of attention, in my opinion, and I knew he was tired.  So, I figured maybe we’d just snuggle and head off to dreamland together.

When we went upstairs I went up first, checked on the kids, got in my pjs and snuggled in under the covers.  When Michael came up he closed the door, turned on a light and yanked the covers down.

*pout*  I guess he was still intent on maintenance. 

Yes, as a matter of fact, he was.  No pillows set at the end of the bed for me to bend over though.  Pjs off, up on my elbows and knees at the end of the bed with his hand on the small of my back…his way of letting me know he expects me to stay in position and that he’s prepared to enforce it.  He started in with the rod and after a little bit I don’t know what came over me, but I pulled away, flopped onto my back and declared that I’d had enough.  In case you’re wondering, I don’t recommend taking that course of action.  Back into position and out came the wooden spoon.  He’s only used it on me once before and that was otk.  I was afraid it was going to hurt even more in this position.  He gave me a several swats with it, some light and some a little harder.  He was trying it out I think.  Then, he told me that the next ones were for moving out of position.  He gave me 4 hard swats, right in that tender sit spot, 2 on each side.  Owww!!!  Somehow I managed to stay in place.

Then he moved away from me and told me to keep still.  I wasn’t sure what he was doing.   Was he going to grab another implement?  Hopefully he wasn’t getting the plug out.  No, he was getting the lotion and came back to me and rubbed it all over my warm bottom.  A sigh of relief washed over me. 

The next thing I knew he was lying on the bed and motioning me to come over to him.  As we were enjoying one another, he began pushing a few of my boundaries.  Surprised, I asked him about it and he said that it was part of my submission training, a smile on his face.  He reminded me that I used to do or let him do some of these things in the past and that he intended to help me get there again.  Oh.  What does a girl say to that?  Yes Sir?  Thank you Sir?   Oh, HELL no?  I didn’t say anything.  I was speechless.

The night ended with Michael reminding me that I had a new rule…an extension of a rule already in place really…and some guidelines he expected me to follow as well.  The rule that’s already been in place is that I have to text him in the morning when I get up if he’s not home.  Now I also have to text him at night just before I go to bed.  And the guidelines?  He wants me to get off the computer by 11pm every night and head upstairs to bed by 11:30.   

I asked him what the difference was between a rule and a guideline.  He said that rules are more strict, but there’s some leeway in guidelines.  In other words, I had better text him before bed or expect discipline.  But, if I get off the computer or head upstairs a little later it doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll be disciplined for it.  However, he said not to push my luck.  Apparently a little leeway means just that and if I continually take advantage of it then it will become a rule and that would mean discipline if I’m not off the computer and in bed on time.  I was informed, his hand on my chin, making me look him in the eyes, that he expects me to be honest.  Yes Sir, of course.

I know the main reason behind the new rule/guidelines is because I tend to stay up too late, not get a good night’s sleep and then not have a great day the next day because of it.  I tried to protest, reminding him that I’d been getting up at a good time every morning!  But, he said that too many times when he asks how I am I tell him that I'm tired and then he finds out that I stayed up way too late the night before.   

I wonder if he knows that a big reason I do that is, because even though I’m used to it, I don’t like to go to bed alone.  It’s easier to stay downstairs on the computer or watching tv or a movie or reading or something and wait until I’m exhausted to go up to bed when he’s not home.  Then I don’t lie there awake missing him.

That brings me to the other reason for the new rule.  Since he’s gone so much, I think he wants to be in my thoughts not only first thing in the morning when I get up, but also just before I go to sleep at night.  But, he always is anyway.

I’ve actually grown to kind of like the texting him in the morning rule.  It’s a nice way to start my day, by saying good morning to him.  But, texting him right before bed…I’ve been struggling emotionally with the idea, but wasn’t sure why.  Now I think I know.  I think it’s because I’m worried that it may reinforce the fact that he’s not home with me, that he’s not there to snuggle up to, that I’m going to bed alone.  Maybe it won’t feel that way when I actually do it though.  Maybe it will be a nice way to end my day.  At the moment I don’t really think so, but I guess I’ll find out.

Truthfully, there’s a part of me that’s feeling defiant about the whole thing.  I’m an adult and perfectly capable of getting myself to bed or dealing with the natural consequences of not getting enough sleep.  But, I know he’s just looking out for me and trying to help.  He did say that if I kept at it with his motivation and was consistent for awhile that we could revisit the issue.  So, I guess I have something to prove, that I can and will look out for my own health and well being.  As a mom, I’m so much better at looking out for everyone else’s.

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