I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar!
Ya know, I wonder…have I been acting rebellious all these years because I was ashamed of the submissive nature that lies within me? Because I was trying to hide it, trying to cover it up, trying to deny it existed, trying to deny a part of myself, even to myself?
I am woman, hear me roar! I’m independent! Strong! I’m super woman! Super mom! I don’t need you! I don’t need anyone!
Hmmm…really? Not quite. Am I some of those things? Can I be some of those things at times? Sure. But that isn’t really an accurate picture of me.
Inside there is this desire to be taken care of, to feel secure, to be loved, even when I’m weak…maybe especially when I’m weak. There's a desire to leave that take charge woman behind (yes, she can come in handy, but boy she can be a bitch sometimes) and take a more peaceful route, a more submissive route. I’m still finding my way, and it’s a little confusing at times…you know, when you’re at a crossroads and you’re really not sure which way to go? Yeah, I imagine I’m not the only one who’s been there.
I guess though, I’m learning to be at peace with this part of me. I’m learning to accept it, not fight it so much. Somehow it’s easier when other people aren’t around though. It’s easier to be submissive when it’s just Michael and I. There is still that part of me that clings to the façade of the woman in charge. I think part of it is pride. I think part is insecurity. And I think part of it is fear. Change can be scary. And for me, this is a big change.
When I think about it, I realize that I have a long way to go. But at least I feel like I’m headed in the right direction…um, some of the time anyway. I need to be patient with myself though, not be too hard on myself (something I'm often guilty of). Life is a journey after all…and I want to enjoy it. ; )