Feeling Contrite

This is an email I sent to Michael…

I'm sorry.  I do so well when you're not home and then you come home and it all goes out the window.  I'm still trying to figure out why exactly.  I don't know if maybe it's because it kind of feels like you're coming on my turf and trying to take over (that sounds ridiculous I know, it's your home too, it's just that it's just me and the kids here most of the time)?  Maybe part of me is afraid that you're not really going to step up and I figure that this is all just going to fall to the wayside at some point so I'm acting out, pushing your buttons, trying to make sure that doesn't happen?  Or maybe I’m trying to sabotage it before it comes to that?  I don't know.  I don't mean for it to happen at all.  And once I'm headed down that road, it's really hard to turn back.  I love you and I don't want to be like this.  I mean, yes, I want to be able to be playful and stuff with you, not all serious all the time...but I don't want to disrespect you and upset you.  I'm sorry.  I love you!

It’s a Thursday, like any other Thursday, except that Michael arrived home shortly after lunch.  I was happy to see him, but it wasn’t long after he got home that things started to go downhill.  I was fooling around and playfully raised my hand as if I was going to slap his cheek.  I got the look and he said that I’d better watch it or he’d be disciplining me for just thinking about doing that.  Defiant now, I said, well, if I’m going to get in trouble for it anyway I might as well do it!  And I softly slapped him on the cheek.  As you can imagine, that didn’t go over well. 
That was strike number 1. 

I was informed that I hadn’t actually been in trouble before, but now I most certainly was.  I tried to protest and ended up telling him that he didn’t love me. 

Strike 2. 

Upstairs we went and he tried to talk to me.  I resisted, still feeling rebellious. 

That was strike 3. 
After a bit he got through to me, making me calm down and listen to him.  No discipline though.  The kids were both downstairs and that wooden paddle is too loud.  He had a couple of things he needed to go take care of, and while he’s gone I’m left feeling contrite.  So, I wrote the email and sent it to him.  He probably won’t read it until he’s back home, but that’s ok.  I just wanted him to know that I’m sorry and that I didn’t mean for things to go this way.

So, discipline…*sigh*…yup, I have that to look forward to now.  (SO not looking forward to it)  And I’m not even sure how much I have coming.  He said that the hand slap was a minimum of 20.  And I’ve gotten 5 before for telling him that I don’t love him.  So, I figure 25…minimum.  :(  The other thing is, I’m not sure if he’s going to discipline me tonight or if he’s going to wait until Sunday.  The kids will be at their grandparents then and he won’t have to be concerned about using a noisy implement (or his hand) or the noise his wife makes for that matter.  What about corner time, I asked him.  His answer?  Of course!  Apparently corner time and the wooden paddle go hand in hand now.  *pout*
At this point, I’m not sure whether it would be better to get this over and done with tonight or if I want it to get put off until Sunday and I can try to forget about it in the meantime (and hope he does too).

Have you ever had to wait awhile for discipline or is it something that always happens right away?  What’s the longest you’ve had to wait?  Were you glad that it got put off until later or would you rather have gotten it over with right away? 

Honestly, right now I just wish I could have a do over today.  *sigh*


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